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Gravity switched off due to ‘essential maintenance work’

The CEO of United Utilities has apologized to customers in the West Midlands area for the inconvenience caused during the two hour period last night when gravity had to be switched of due to essential maintenance work.

‘Rates of obesity in Britain are putting increased demands on gravity, which in some areas is struggling to cope with current demands’ said Benjamin Small. Much of the country’s outdated Victorian gravitational infrastructure was originally intended for fewer and lighter people and is only now being upgraded to meet 21st Century requirements. ‘But this may result in some minor disruption to the service during this time’ conceded Mr Small.

A number of complaints were received in Wolverhampton and West Bromich area where pensioners woke up to find themselves floating up by the ceiling. ‘My father was convinced he had finally died and was going up to heaven’ said one distressed Birmingham woman. ‘He couldn’t work out what I was doing there too.’ A Warwickshire farmer lost a herd of dairy cattle after they drifted up towards the clouds until a gentle breeze finally deposited them on the roof of a Coventry office block. A number of husbands blamed the interuption to gravity for the fact that the toilet seat was in the upright position the following morning.

The new ‘Digital Gravity Plus’ is supposed to be cleaner and sharper than the old analogue service that will finally be switched off in 2012. Households that have not subscribed to the digital gravity by then are being warned that they will have to manage without the Earth’s pull. In the meantime United Utilities have refused to rule out further interuptions in the Gravity service. ‘Unfortunately our next scheduled close down is at the end of the month, a few hours after the New Year’s Eve festivities. However we anticipate that the few clubbers who are still out at that time will be sky high anyway, and won’t notice anything unusual.’

The Master and Zadok

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Posted: Dec 19th, 2007 by NewsBiscuit

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