Lapland authorities have admitted to ‘an embarrassing betrayal of public trust’, as it emerged that Father Christmas has lost the names of twenty five million children from his ‘good children or naughty children’ list.
The loss of the data, which provides detailed information of every child’s behavioural performance over the year was being blamed on ‘an agency elf on a short term contract.’ ‘But this is not the time to argue whose small head should be on the block…’ said Santa speaking at a news conference outside his grotto. ‘The most important thing is how to quickly re-assess how many presents each and every one of the world’s children deserve before Christmas Eve’.
Without behaviour league tables or performance data, it was finally decided that the quality and quantity of Christmas presents will this year be based upon parental income. ‘Basically if your Mum and Dad are rich, it will look like Santa thought you were really good. If they are skint, you will be marked down as one of the naughty ones,’ explained one Lapland spokesman. ‘Look, the kids were going to have to get used to it sooner or later. Once the poor ones become jealous and bitter, they’ll start being naughty anyway…’
Karif and James Patching (with thanks for similar ideas from Al O’Pecia, Cazzbar. RichardmRich and Oli B)