There was alarm from Civil Liberties groups today following a Home Office announcement that British police forces are to be armed with sarcasm.
Until now only specially trained officers of the so called ‘Sarky Squad’ were allowed to patronise members of the public in a satirically demeaning manner, but now these powers will be extended to all officers.
At the police training college in Hendon today, police cadets were practicing leaning into motorists vehicles and saying ‘ooooh we are being particularly cautious today aren’t we? I didn’t know Lewis Hamilton drove a Nissan Micra…’
Police claim they are only responding to the increasing use of sarcasm by criminals. Only last week an escaped prisoner was holding a WPC hostage in a Manchester warehouse and was told that if he gave himself up he would not be hurt. In a terrifying exchange of satirical bathos, the criminal called out ‘Ooooh I really believe you! You are soooo well known for not beating up escaped prisoners in the back of the van’ as police responded by shouting through a tannoy ‘Oooh this is such a good plan. Holding a woman police officer hostage, judges always look sooooo favourably on that…’
Tragically one member of the public was humiliated in the satirical crossfire. Despite this incident, the police announcing the new police powers told reporters that sarcasm would only ever used as a last resort and in self defence. Journalists responded by saying ‘OOoooooh that’s definitely going to work that is. We so believe you!!’