An extended television special on poultry farming in Britain has exposed the shocking abuse meted out to the English language by television presenter Jamie Oliver.
‘It was horrible’ wept one unwitting witness who had been duped into thinking they were just taking part in an everyday expose about farm animals. We had to just sit there and witness the brutal murder of the language of Shakespeare and Milton’.
‘Alright darlin’’ chirped Jamie ‘What we is doin’ right, is showin’ yers that there ain’t no reason why dem birds should have what’s happenin’ like at the moment, not never, know what I mean Sweetheart?’
Well-dressed diners winced as they were forced to listen to a mockney accent mincing up words and systematically murdering traditional sentence construction. ‘I had no idea this still happened,’ said Jennifer Myers who was a member of the studio audience on the night. ‘These sentences are being deprived of their natural verb endings. Nouns are systematically deprived from definite and indefinite articles, grotesque double negatives are being artificially produced and infinitives are being split at birth.’
Channel 4 defended the shocking programme saying that it had warned viewers beforehand that they may find some sounds offensive. But it was necessary to show this abuse of English at first hand in the hope that the laws of grammar might be finally enforced. But Jamie Oliver was unrepentant; ‘Wha’ever Sweet Pea! We warned dem folks they might find it upsettin’ and that, we weren’t wrong darlin’. I say old bean, is that dashed microphone switched off now, what what?’