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‘Alternative Shaving Centre’ unable to explain long beards

A so-called ‘Alternative Shaving Centre’ that has been charging patients thousands of pounds to unlock holistic, non-interventionist methods of removing facial hair has been accused of extortion after all of its residents were photographed with very long beards.

‘Those are just the natural toxins coming out’ explained the centre’s founder Dave Cunliffe. ‘These things take time. But eventually our residents will learn to cure themselves of unwanted hair growth the spiritual way, without the harsh intervention of metal blades or electric shavers. They will be clean shaven thought the power of their own minds’ he explained; ‘we see facial hair as a symptom of an imbalance in the body’s energy field.’

But former visitors to the Alternative Shaving Centre in rural Sussex claim that they paid thousands of pounds to meditate and chant and wave crystals over their chin with no visible change in the rate of hair growth

‘I actually came out of the centre with a little goatee beard and I’d never had a facial hair problem before I went in’ said mother of two Alison Welling. ‘I was only working there as an administrator’

‘Not everyone is able to locate their inner stubble’ explained natural shaving guru Dave Cunliffe who denies accusations that he himself has been seen using a Gillette Mach II wet razor while his patients were supposed to have their eyes closed during chanting led by the self-styled yogic barber. ‘Okay, that guy who complained never managed to stop his beard growing. He is going bald though, so that it proves it sort of works.’

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Posted: Jan 14th, 2008 by NewsBiscuit

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