High-street fast-food retailer McDonalds today launched a new range of fat patches for people who can’t be bothered to walk all the way to their local restaurant. The new patches release 100% saturated fats and additives, and allow the wearer to enjoy the complete McDonalds experience without leaving the comfort of their armchair or hoist.
Eileen Mahoney, 23 stone, said ‘Before these wonder patches were available I had to get dressed, have a shave and walk 200 yards to my local burger outlet where I would order 45 chicken nuggets, eight portions of fries, six milkshakes and five McFlurries for breakfast. Even going to the Drive-In Burger King meant walking to the car. Now I simply reach across to the fridge next to my armchair and unwrap a giant fat patch – it contains the same amount of transfats, modified starch and artificial sweeteners, without all that effort!’
Other fast-food outlets are said to be watching the latest development with interest. A spokesman for KFC said ‘This will not affect plans for our new ‘fat-laden chicken lardy-bucket by post’ initiative which we are launching in partnership with Amazon in an effort to deliver delicious fried chicken soaked in transfats with extra salt to buyers within eight days of ordering’.