NewsBiscuit

Anti-Dutch racism ‘at crisis levels’

The fragile peace that has existed for years between the native English and Dutch communities in Britain’s inner-cities exploded last night after another night of racial tension between youths on the front line of London’s ‘Little Holland’.

Tulips were pulled out of window boxes and waxy cheese was taken from shops and violently thrown into the road where it failed to break or squash or change shape in any way, further enraging the Anti-Dutch feeling among the rioters.

The Dutch community has been criticized for its failure to integrate with English society; ‘They insist on wearing their clogs to schools and offices, as if the rest of us should make an exception for them just because they are from the Netherlands’ said one elderly English resident who lives nearby. ‘I mean I’m not racialist or nothing, but these Dutchies come over here, buy up a traditional English semi, and then turn it into a windmill. Then another one moves in next door, and before you know it, the whole street is full of em, riding bicycles, and reclaiming large areas of land from the sea with a complex network of dykes, canals and pumping stations.’

Although resentment against windmills and land reclamation is rampant, no actual evidence of any such projects have been identified anywhere within England’s inner-city Dutch ghettoes. The government has also hinted that it may soon become a statutory offence to incite anti-Dutch hatred, with a possible prison sentence for anyone making weak jokes about ‘fingers in the dyke’ or the Amsterdam Cannabis bar that kicked someone out for smoking a cigarette. But some politicians have angered Dutch community leaders by saying that if people from the Netherlands want to come and settle in the United Kingdom, they will have to learn to speak the language like everyone else. ‘At the moment they insist on speaking impeccable English’ claimed the Home Secretary, ’failing to make a single grammatical mistake, double negative or clumsy malapropism.’

The big clean up had begun this morning, but the mood remained anxious. ‘All it would take is for some drunken English lads to turn up here tonight saying that ‘Holland’ and ‘The Netherlands’ are completely synonymous, and it’ll all kick off again.’