Devout Catholic and committed virgin Mary Pleasance claims to have been chosen by God to be first to witness the miraculous vision of ‘The Old Slag’ on a piece of toast.
Mary 22, from Ballydehob in Ireland claims that she placed on ordinary piece of white sliced bread into her toaster, but it popped up with the clearly defined image of a loose woman flaunting her breasts. ‘I realized immediately that it was a message about the ungodliness of modern woman – this was God telling me to stick to my path of chastity, not to fall into ‘the toaster of hell’ where this sort of sex-mad woman resides.’
Mary’s local priest was very interested to see the image of the semi-naked woman, he even asked to be left alone for a while to contemplate the religious meaning of ‘The Lady in the Bra’. Soon, Christians were travelling hundreds of miles to The Shrine of Mary’s Toaster, but all attempts to repeat the miracle failed, and finally Mary refused to continue buying loaves of sliced white bread and butter and marmalade. But the Pope has declared the miraculous piece of toast to be one of the sacred snacks of the one true church, and has been given a copy of the image to place beside his bed in the Vatican.
When all the excitement had died down. it was put to Mary that in fact God might have been trying to tell her the exact opposite of what she initially believed; that God was holding this slapper up as the image of modern feminine perfection, and that Mary should aspire to be more like her. Mary contemplated this for some minutes and then promptly lost her virginity to the cameraman from the Sky News Team.