British secret agent James Bond is reported to be ‘privately a little disappointed’ that official recognition of his services to his country apparently amounts to only to an MBE. The heroic spy’s name was put forward in recognition of ‘services to British intelligence’, and as is customary, the various nominees were contacted well in advance of the Queen’s Birthday to check that he would in fact accept an honour.
But on receipt of the letter Mr Bond was reported to have lost his temper. ‘Frankly after all the shit I’ve been through, you’d think a bloody peerage would be the absolute minimum,’ Bond apparently shouted at Miss Moneypenny who had excitedly showed him the letter. ‘MBE is like the worst one of all of them isn’t it? I mean that Jimmy Savile’s got an OBE and a knighthood, but I’m apparently not as good as a creepy senile radio presenter.’
Miss Moneypenny attempted to mollify 007 with suggestions that if he continued to save the world from crazed criminal geniuses then he might get promoted to a CBE later in his career, but this apparently did little to diminish Mr Bond’s anger. ‘You lay your life on the line, time and time again, you defeat private armies and switch off nuclear detonators with only seconds to spare, and what does that get you? ‘Member of the British Empire…’ Spiffing. My name is Bond; James Bond MBE. On a par with Michael bloody Fish and Alan Titchmarsh.’
The tone of Britain’s most famous spy apparently changed when it occurred to him that the little bronze medal might actually be a cover for be a secret tracking device that could fire poison pellets and emit an odourless sleeping gas. Mr Bond excitedly rang Buckingham Palace to enquire whether the MBE actually concealed a number of secret spy gadgets. A spokesman for the Palace curtly replied that it didn’t.