Three year old Timmy Frampton admitted that toddlers were not winning the War on Pigeons and a new strategy was required if the conflict was to be resolved.
‘For too long our tactics have been to run at the pigeons with our arms outstretched, screaming. This has proved a miscalculation.’ he said, addressing cross-legged representatives of local playgroups. ‘The pigeons have a superior air force, to be sure, but we have far greater strength during a ground offensive. The pigeons often run for a few feet before taking off just before we can get hold of them. If we can stop them from flying away we will have them.’
Frampton emphasised the need for more children to patrol the streets in search of anything they suspect to be a pigeon and run at it at a slightly slower pace, trying really hard not to laugh. He also assured the other pre-schoolers that ‘Operation stamping on the ground to make a flock of pigeons fly up at the same time’ was proving successful and would continue on the walk home from school, prompting applause and some juice-spillage.
Despite the generally positive reaction to the proposed new strategy, dissent was heard from some quarters. One child was heard questioning what they would do if they ever actaully caught a pigeon. While another was heckled for suggested the War on Pigeons was taking time and resources from other more-pressing concerns such as sand eating and mixing up the plasticine colours. With the discontent threatening to get out of hand and Frampton was forced to close the conference early, saying everyone was getting ‘over-tired’.