US tells suicide bombers ‘Those 72 virgins are all guys’

The war on terror took a new turn today with the launch of a bold new propaganda campaign aimed at preventing any more suicide bombers in Iraq or elsewhere in the Middle East. US intelligence has distributed leaflets in Arabic stating that due to the high demands that have been placed on Paradise by so many Islamic martyrs, the powers that be have had to widen the definition of ‘virgin.’

The belief that martyrs who die in the holy war will be rewarded in Paradise with seventy-two virgins is thought to have persuaded many young Muslim militants to lay down their lives in terrorist attacks. The United States military maintain that this promise has given the Jihadists an unbeatable edge when it came to recruiting sexually frustrated young men. ‘But when the Koran said ‘virgins’, they never specified whether they were chicks or guys…’ said a US source in Iraq. ‘What we are saying is that with so many martyrs arriving in Paradise, the babes all got taken ages ago. Basically today if you choose to be a suicide bomber it means you want to do bum sex with guys. And like, seventy-two of them, so you must be a pretty committed homo; that’s not like just trying it once when you were drunk in the school dorm…’

Leaflets have been dropped over suspected Al Qaeda training camps, explaining that anyone who decides to be a suicide bomber must be a great big gay. It is illustrated with a cartoon of a suicide bomber wearing sticks of dynamite stapped to his chest, which match his big black motorcycle helmet and leather trousers. The suicide bomber is saying ‘Do you think these explosives make my bum look big?’

US intelligence deny that the so-called ‘Al Queerda Initiative’ represents a desperate last throw from a military leadership that has run out of ideas, and remain convinced that this tactic could mark the turning point against the insurgents. But they are also in talks with American church leaders about making Christian heaven a little more appealing. ‘What red-blooded US soldier is gonna risk going to heaven just to stand around on a cloud wearing a white frock and strumming a harp. That kinda sounds gay too.’

Goatboy (with thanks to Kevis and Maverick for the reminder!)

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