The British statistical survey has thrown up a quirky piece of data that moralists and church groups have seized upon as a significant milestone in the continuing decay of modern British society.
For the first time there are now more people smoking crack pipes than traditional tobacco pipes, with almost no overlap between the two groups of users. ‘Old fashioned pipes are still popular with certain types of older bearded men; model railway enthusiasts, canal barge restorers and the like, but curiously these tend to be among the least likely people to head into the inner cities to score crack cocaine off their dealer,’ reported the survey.
The rise in the more modern crack pipe has been among a different demographic – alienated inner city youth, prostitutes, and Conservative Members of Parliament. However one MP used this statistic to make a point about what she sees as distorted values of New Labour’s Britain. Speaking from College Green outside the Houses of Parliament, Ann Widdecombe MP declared that it was symptomatic of the political correctness of today’s nanny state that so much effort had been put into stopping people from smoking tobacco, while drug use continued to rise. Taking a symbolic puff off from an old fashioned Meerschaum pipe she declared ‘There, what is the harm in that?’ and yet, if I inhale from this ghastly modern crack pipe thing… ‘Wow, that is good shit man. I am fucking flyin’, know what I mean?’
On the positive side, the statistical survey discovered that more spoons are still used to stir cups of tea than to heat up low-grade heroin and cocaine. ‘Although on current trends…’, it commented, ‘it’s only a matter of time…’