Chinese government officials have revealed that controversial Hollywood director Quentin Tarantino has been drafted in to replace Steven Spielberg as Artistic Adviser to the Beijing Olympics.
The move follows Spielberg’s withdrawal earlier this week in protest to China’s failure to take action to resolve the crisis in Darfur, but there are fears that the new appointment may see some changes to the way the 2008 games are organized. On the athletics track there are already plans to have live ammunition in the starting gun with the official ruthlessly gunning down any runners who are too slow out of the blocks. The athletes themselves will also be heavily armed and will be expected to fire back from where they lie bleeding to death on the track. The race themselves will be at a slower pace, and will feature wise cracking men in sharp suits and sunglasses walking along the track to the sound of cool tracks from the 1960s.
Other track and field events will remain unchanged, although the relay race may involve athletes passing a fat joint to the next runner, while the white dust that the gymnasts rub on their hands might also appear around their nostrils. Fans of the gymnastics may also notice a slight change of style; instead of featuring pubescent East Europeans running round a mat with a ribbon, the girls will be clad in yellow leather and will beat up the judges using a variety of martial arts.
The plans have divided opinion in Beijing, with some athletes welcoming the ironic violence that has been so lacking from previous Olympiads. The resignation of Steven Spielberg was openly welcomed by the synchronized swimmers, who had always opposed the original appointment of the Jaws director; ‘We’d always been worried about his plans to spice up the event with the addition of synchronized sharks.’