The Rt Hon. Ruth Kelly, Secretary of State for Transport, issued a full apology today after it transpired that a cycle lane in Wilmslow, Cheshire, did not contain substantial fragments of broken glass, abandoned vehicles or a telephone box placed right in the middle.
‘I wish to send my sincere condolences to the motorists of Wilmslow, especially to members of the 4×4 Porche Cayenne community. Normally cyclists can be run-over at will for veering outside their reserved but unusable areas. However following a mis-understanding in my department, an erroneous order was issued to make Wilmslow’s cycle lanes usable.’
When the Ministry of Transport learnt of this error they immediately ordered the deployment of several hundred tons of broken glass, the strategic placing of deep pot holes and the building of bus shelters across all designated cycle lanes in the area. ‘We have also made an amendment to the Dangerous Dogs Act. American Pit Bull terriers remain banned unless they have been especially trained to wait along bike lanes to attack passing cyclists.’
However opinion remained divided on the issue. ‘This places us in an impossible position’ said one local cyclist. ‘We were already as self-righteous as it was possible to be. This new outrage against our healthy, and carbon neutral form of sustainable transport has left us unable to be any more self righteous.’ How ever Reg Carter, a local lorry driver seemed less concerned, ‘What’s a cyclist?’ he asked as he turned left without indicating to the muffled sound of crumpling metal and angry swearing.