Clive Hills’ return from the dead as a brain-eating zombie was slightly hampered last night after he discovered that several vital organs, including his corneas, were missing. ‘I’m kicking myself to be honest.’ said Mr Hill, ‘Being one of the walking un-dead is a challenge I’m willing to step up to. But being un-dead and blind takes me right out of the game. The bottom line is, thanks to the organ donor register, I just can’t keep up with other zombies.’
As several youths drank and joked at a local Luton cemetery, Mr Hill was supposed to rise menacingly from the earth and advance toward the screaming teenagers. ‘Instead I staggered around blindly and fell right back into my grave again. They were screaming alright; they were screaming with laughter.’ Mr Hill explained. ‘It’s probably on YouTube as we speak.’ Successive attempts to stagger menacingly towards unsuspecting young couples also failed miserably as Mr Hills kept bumping into trees and fences, and had to be taken by the arm by his intended victims who helpfully asked the bewildered zombie where he was trying to get to.
While Mr Hill concedes that he only has himself to blame for being civic minded enough to carry a donor card, he believes that the NHS have taken a few liberties. ‘I’m 100% convinced I didn’t even tick the corneas box. They’re my eyes for Pete’s sake, my most attractive feature, according to Mrs Hill.’
Mr Hill, who until recently worked as a fitness instructor on Caribbean cruise liners, was cursed by a powerful Haitian sorcerer or ‘Bokor’ in an argument over a moped. ‘It’s the kind of thing you never see coming,’ the resolutely upbeat zombie said. ‘There’s no time for regrets. If Sir Steve Redgrave came back from the dead as a brain hungry zombie and found that one of his multi Olympic gold winning lungs was missing, would you see him skulking around a cemetery feeling sorry for himself? I don’t think so.’
For the time being Mr Hill is formulating a new career plan. ‘Being a disabled zombie has completely changed my long term goals. I intend to set up an agency to help the living dead with legal rights and welfare issues. Hopefully we can pressure the Government into repatriating donated organs back to the original supplier. I hope to be an inspiration to zombies everywhere.’ Mr Hill then added, ‘However my short term goal has not changed. I really need to eat some brains. Can someone please contact a Mrs Hill of Dunstable, Bedfordshire?’