Amid widespread claims of vote rigging, Robert Mugabe has claimed an historic electoral victory and been sworn in as the Mayor of London. ‘He’d been looking for a new challenge’ said a Zanu PF spokesman, and this was part of the deal in Zimbabwe.’ he added as Mr Mugabe was sworn in at City Hall. ‘How can anyone take this seriously?’ said one opposition leader, speaking from a hideout in Sussex. ‘The polling station for one Kensington and Chelsea ward was a dead goat on a stick 50 miles south of Bulawayo, every single voter was called ‘Mr Smith, and the election isn’t even until next month.’
But Mr Mugabe denied that the vote had been tampered with. ‘If I was going to make up votes, I would not choose the hateful British name ‘Smith’’ he said. ‘The people of London have spoken. Patience, my new children. I will be arriving soon with your free ‘nano iPods’ once the imperialist embassy dogs issue my visa.’
In early signs that Mr Mugabe intends to quash opposition to his rule, the Zanu PF majority on the Greater London Assembly have voted unanimously to ban ‘gay policemen, floppy blonde hair, and ‘newt coveting’’. However, not all Londoners were dismayed by the prospect of their new mayor. ’At least you know where you stand with him’, said one pensioner. ‘Firm but fair – like Maggie in the good old days.’
Mr Mugabe’s manifesto is still sketchy, but is thought to include changing London’s congestion charge to automatically fine anyone caught in a traffic jam, including pedestrians, and changing London’s name to ‘New Harare’ in time for the 2012 Olympics, in which he plans to run in and win the 500 metres.
Since the former President of Zimbabwe took control of the capital, prices in London have risen dramatically, there has been violence on the streets with police intimidation becoming commonplace. ‘Basically, not much has changed’ said one Hackney resident.