Britain’s top spy faces a substantial rise in the cost of motoring over the next financial year, MI5 have been forced to reveal. Following an off-road incident involving a helicopter, a speedboat and an alligator, James Bond has received written notice from his insurance company that his premium will once again be significantly increased.
A spokesman from his current insurer today said that ‘although we remain committed to providing all of our customers cover for another year of worry-free motoring, Mr Bond’s no-claims bonus was lost some time ago after that time he drove his Aston Martin through an exploding yacht into the burning oil slick. And losing his insurance certificate in the ensuing struggle with the great white shark did not make the paperwork any easy for our office either.’
A string of incidents over the last twenty years, always in top of the range, customised vehicles requiring extensive repair, often abroad has left the insurer little choice, and forced Miss Moneypenny to spend many hours trawling through gocompare.com. After writing off his sports cars in high profile explosive encounters with master criminals, Mr Bond has also found it increasingly difficult to rent a replacement family saloon for the rest of this time abroad. ‘You have to agree to all these conditions on a car rental agreement, and they have started to put in specific clauses about not using the vehicle for saving the world or battling giant anacondas.’
With insurance premiums at such levels, 007 may be forced to drive a car in a lower insurance bracket; a second hand Nissan Micra has been suggested or maybe a Honda Jazz. The insurer also expressed concerns over the size of associated claims for third party damage, as well as the fact that often other parties involved in the incidents often seemed not to be insured. An ‘Ernst Stavro Blofeld’ declined to comment but SPECTRE released the following to the press, ‘Given that the focus of our organisation is destruction of the world, insurance of any kind seemed costly and unnecessary. And apart from anything else, when the whole world was actually destroyed, they’d still find some excuse not to pay out…’