The decision by the UK government to ban shops from giving customers free plastic bags was hailed today by Al Gore as the key to reversing all global warming for evermore. ‘Never mind that India and China are opening forty coal fossil fuel power stations every month’ said Gore ‘The UK’s decision to ban plastic bags will more than compensate for that.’
Hilary Benn, the UK minister for the environment, was delighted by Mr Gore’s praise. ‘By re-using existing plastic bags or better-still moving to carbon free alternatives we expect to reduce global temperatures by 10 degrees Celsius by 2010. Indeed our new plans to make people wear an extra pair of socks in the winter will also contribute to eliminating this global threat.’
Other major benefits to the environment include using petrol that has come from a green coloured pump, and recycling the four hundredweight of unread free newspapers and pizza leaflets that came through the front door every week.
In the Maldives, which has been threatening to disappear under the rising Indian Ocean at some point during this century, there were spontaneous street parties that their island nation had been saved by a small number of British residents remembering not to leave their televisions on stand-by overnight. ‘Our country has a future once more’ wept the President. ‘And all thanks to those few Britons who went to the bottle bank and sorted out all the different coloured glass.’
Mr Benn dismissed suggestions that the phone calls from Mr Gore and the Maldives may have been the work of a hoaxer and said the government would be pursuing Mr Gore’s excellent suggestion that Britain harnesses the electrical energy generated when rubbing a balloon on a woolly jumper.