Pope Benedict XVI exceeded the expectations of even his most devout followers in Washington yesterday with a spontaneous and unprecedented display of his spiritual qualifications. Having just finished an address to thousands of followers at the Lincoln Monument he levitated unaided by any discernible physical means and performed a series of exquisite aerobatic manoeuvres before culminating his display with a low-level supersonic fly past. ‘He’s been practising around the Vatican for months,’ conceded a cardinal in his entourage.
His Holiness exceeded 986mph at his fastest point and the Papal boom was heard by Catholics as far away as Michigan. Michael O’Foley, a devout follower who witnessed the display said, ’It was just unreal, you know, like, made up, yeah? He just kinda lifted off the ground and we thought, ‘Oh no, the Lord is taking him’, but then he just started doin’ loops and barrel rolls and stuff, and you could see from his face he was just lovin’ it. I know he’s 81, but man, he sure still knows how to work the crowd.’ And Denise Wozcinski, from New Mexico agreed; ‘I came all the way from Albuquerque to see him and boy was I, like, not disappointed. But if anyone can do this stuff then you’d have to put your money on the Pontiff every time.’
According to reports, the Pope swooped around at the end of his low-level run and came in to land perfectly in the middle of the Lincoln memorial pond. Allegations from mild skeptics that there ‘may have been a bit of wading going on’ at this point were dismissed by supporters who insisted there was absolutely no way his Holiness had got his shoes wet.
Mr O’Foley spoke for hundreds of his fellow believers when he said, ‘With displays like that it’s easy to see why the Catholic church is strong and united. Protestants, Jews, Islam – our guy just puts them in the shade, and you can see why people travel for days and days to see him.’
The Pope’s confident ‘Follow that!’ message has certainly raised the bar for other world religions. The Church of England was said to be debating its response, with the Archbishop of Canterbury considering a sermon on forgiveness and quiet reflection done at the same time as a display of shadow puppets and the missing handkerchief trick he used to do for his kids.