Scientists from cosmetics company L’Oreal were said to be ‘shocked and delighted’ today after being awarded the Nobel Prize for science. The group, led by Chief Researcher Bob Mulligan, was chosen for its ‘fresh and revolutionary insights into twenty-first century haircare’ and was given a special mention for its brave research into how to deal with ‘rebellious fly-away low pH hair and how obscure chemicals can apparently make your hair all shimmery and stuff like that’.
Industry insiders commented that although recent years have seen massive advances in shampoo technology, L’Oreal is widely considered to be the market leader, having created innovative active ingredients such as Pro-Retinol A, Ceramide-R, and Pro-Cellulose Revitalift Epsilon, all of which are scientifically proven to possibly improve your hair’s ‘zesty shininess’ by up to a maximum of 30% or more.
Mr Mulligan, whose leadership of the scientific research team was described as ‘visionary and powerful, like a modern-day Newton’, claims that the chemical breakthroughs his team achieved will lead to a ‘bright, shining and manageable-hair new dawn’ for mankind. ‘We think that our new range of products will create a world of beautiful human beings whose hair is so glamorous and low-maintenance that they will be able to spend their extra free time bumping into handsome men in expensive restaurants and spinning their hair around in slow motion at every opportunity. And our new top-secret ingredient, Pro-Anti-Celluloid Rhesus Negative, could even add up to 11% more charisma to your hair,’ claimed the Nobel Prize winner, adding ‘Because our shareholders are worth it’. Hang on that’s not right.’