A leaked memo has confirmed that Gordon Brown took ‘absolutely no decisions whatsoever’ last Thursday after the Magic 8 Ball, long suspected as the primary instrument of government, failed to materialise in time for the regular cabinet meeting.
‘We were trying to vote on whether to hold an internal enquiry into the loss of the 8 Ball,’ said an unnamed source, ‘but without the ball we couldn’t get the right decision. Jacqui Smith appeared to have some kind of breakdown and crouched in the corner repeating ‘Outlook not so good’ over and over again. Ruth (Kelly) resorted to writing the 8 Ball options down on a piece of paper and drawing them out of a hat, but it just wasn’t the same. Thank God we found the thing!’
It is understood that the 8 Ball was finally found in the Bank of England, where the decision to cut interest rates was passed by 5 ‘Without a doubt, yes’ votes to 4 ‘My sources say no’. Gordon Brown issued the following statement to the press. ‘If you ask me directly, ‘do you use an 8 Ball to inform your decisions?’ I have to tell you ‘It is decidedly so’. No, wait a minute ‘ – ‘Signs point to yes’ hang on, ‘My reply is no’. That’s better – bloody thing.’
A spokesman for the Conservatives said ‘what a ridiculous way to make important policy decisions. We do it the old fashioned way – by consulting an ancient crone who stares into the swirling, gassy waters before telling us what to do.’ Lady Thatcher was unavailable for comment.