A demanding new UK driving test based on the top-selling Grand Theft Auto games is to be introduced across mainland Britain next year. The surprise move by the UK’s Driving Standards Agency comes after senior police officers claimed that youngsters are bypassing the current test and licensing system.
Among sweeping changes being introduced in June 2009, road skills in urban areas will no longer be assessed on consideration for other road users but for an ability to successfully negotiate busy shopping malls at high speed. Collisions with other vehicles will no longer be regarded as fail points; instead, successfully executed ‘street’ manoeuvres like handbrake turns will marked out of ten, with top marks for a ram raid on a gun store. The traditional emergency stop will be replaced with an attack on the learner driver’s car by ‘gangstas’ armed with rocket launchers and an intention to turn left or right should be signalled by a burst of machine gun fire out of the appropriate window.
Although the ban on the examinees being accompanied by their driving instructor remains, drivers will be permitted to stop and pick up prostitutes along the way, with extra marks being awarded for sexual acts performed while driving at high speed. However marks will be deducted for any learner driver failing to throw a ‘hoe’ from the moving vehicle to avoid having to pay.
‘It is hoped that by adapting the examination to the modern driving experience, younger drivers will be encouraged to stay within the law,’ announced Ruth Kelly, Minister for Transport. ‘Official hand signals are also being updated to acknowledge modern driving etiquette, with raised single digit or two fingered signals being officially recognised.’
However the new test has been severely criticized by the Opposition. Speaking on College Green the Conservative Shadow Minister Theresa Villiers called the move ‘irresponsible, short-sighted and likely to increase road fatalities.’ At which point the Minister for Transport ran her over.