A damming report from an independent agency setup to monitor charity collection in Britain’s cities has revealed that the stress caused by the armies of charity workers now exceeds that of the illness or social oppression that they are raising funds for.
The 430 page report detailed the guerrilla tactics used to obtain the credit card details of law-abiding citizens and highlighted the three most common methods of so called ‘charity mugging’ which is now recognized as a major social menace:
‘The most common specimen we identified was the so-called ‘Everyones mate’’ said the chairman of the investigating committee Sir Norman McPhail. ‘You know the sort of thing; “Hey my man, shake my hand” This type plays on the public’s own self-consciousness to dupe the target into making physical contact with the charity worker. Once the personal space has been invaded, resistance is futile.’
The report also identified the classic ‘Capitalist reject’ who targets disillusioned office workers by playing on the liberal conscience inherent in most humans; the 40% tax payer that has joined the Free-Tibet FaceBook group and once gave the Tsunami fund a fiver. ‘However,’ concluded the report ‘The most disgusting tactic witnessed was the use of attractive students, commonly with dreadlocks and often barefoot. Most men over 25 are so overwhelmed with the fantasy that she is only approaching them because she finds them more attractive than the commission she’ll get when they inevitably give her their sort code.’ However, the illusion has now been shattered by the report, that reveal many of these girls drink WKD at the weekend and buy clothes from TopShop with their bonuses from frequently smashed monthly targets.
With their aggressive methods now exposed, there is now a fear that the charities might find it simpler just to beat people up and nick their wallets. ‘Feeling oppressed by charity muggers is now a recognised psychological syndrome with its own voluntary trust,’ said Sir Norman. ‘Last week I was approached in the street by some students collecting money for it.’