Thames Water today unveiled a radical plan to harvest the saliva of professional footballers in an attempt to avoid yet another hosepipe ban this summer. With a brief spell of slightly sunny weather in mid-May having already left reservoirs at crisis levels, the water companies believe they have identified a limitless supply of fluid which has previously gone to waste.
A spokeswoman for Thames Water, Gabriel Jones, said ‘Our studies have revealed that an average player flobs 10ml every couple of minutes. This gives a production rate of nearly 10 litres per game, not including extra time, or penalties. A single football match could generate enough liquid for a quick shower.’
He stressed that the water would be treated before it entered the system – and that no-one was suggesting showering directly under a shower of footballers’ gob. However Gordon Taylor of the PFA raised concerns at how the spit would be harvested. ‘The concern for me and our members is how the spit will be collected. I’ve heard talk of players having to spit in to approved collection tanks at each end of the pitch. How’s that going to work for players like Darren Bent who can’t hit a cow’s arse with a banjo?’