NewsBiscuit

Secretary of State for Health, Alan Johnson, today announced government plans to add fluoride to a range of alcoholic drinks including Bacardi Breezers and Smirnoff Ice. ‘We tried adding it to the water,’ said Mr Johnson. ‘But it turns out that no-one under the age of 23 is drinking the stuff.’ The plan has been endorsed by Britain’s dentists who will now be providing a bottle of WKD Blue for younger patients to rinse with.

‘We can now feel confident that the children are making the healthy choice when they buy a bottle of vodka pop from the school drinks machine’ said the minister. ‘We are also considering adding Cherry Brandy and Sloe Gin to our recommended five-a-day fruit or vegetables.’

This is not the first time the government have considered imposing dietary additives on health grounds. In 2004, a parliamentary committee recommended adding anti-cholesterol tablets to deep fried pies in Glasgow; while in 2006, shipments of cocaine had a decongestant added to aid cold symptoms in City bankers.

Government ministers have defended the most controversial move yet, insisting that continued exposure to fluoride is statistically proven to result in healthier teeth and adding it to alcoholic drinks was the best way forward. ‘Obviously once the teenagers are all pissed they start knocking each other’s teeth out anyway, but you can’t have everything.’

Ian B

Posted: May 29th, 2008 by NewsBiscuit