NewsBiscuit

A British soccer fan has imploded after attempting to work out which European nation he should justifiably support during the European Nations Football Championship. With all the home nations having failed to qualify, British fans are having to choose between the likes of Spain, France, Italy and Germany. The deceased fan who is as yet unnamed, is believed to have had some sort of mental seizure after attempting to calculate and balance out all the many grudges and ancient prejudices that he held towards the various continental nations that have made it to the finals.

‘His club team was Arsenal…’, said his widow, who wished to remain anonymous, ‘So he felt some affinity towards the French national team. But then he remembered how rude that Parisian waiter was towards him last summer and the thought of him gloating if he ever happened to meet him again was too much to bear.’ The confused fan also considered Italy, but decided they had won it too many times already, Spain, (too cruel to donkeys) and Slovenia was ruled out on the grounds that it was not even a proper country, but possibly Slovakia just spelt wrong. ‘Obviously at no point was Germany even considered’ added his wife.

Thousands of other British footy fans are in danger of the same painful death as they wrestle with all the complex dilemmas involved. ‘Normally it’s easy’ said Duncan McTaggart, from Aberdeen. ‘We just supported whoever England were playing against. But now I find myself trying to get enthusiastic about Portugal because I had a nice holiday there when I was a kid. And then I thought about how awful their police were to the McCanns and so I considered supporting Holland instead as it is the only country I don’t have a grudge against, even if they are a bunch of dope-smoking sex addicts.’ John Carrick from London, said that he would have supported the Republic of Ireland since most of them are usually from England anyway. ‘But even the Irish haven’t made it this time, so I’m supporting Croatia to be nice to our au pair. But then the builders are Polish and they’re actually more into football that she is – oh I don’t know it’s all so difficult!’

The finals will be shown on their entirety on BBC 1, with a number of top England players having so far declined the offer of watching the games from the studio as half time pundits; thereby missing the chance to say what they would be feeling ‘if they were in the final right now.’

NewsBiscuit

Posted: May 30th, 2008 by NewsBiscuit