The ancient mystery of the Bronze Age monument known as Stonehenge was finally unlocked this week, after Britain’s most eminent archaeologist announced that his exhaustive twelve-year study conclusively proved that the monument was part of an ancient crazy-golf course that covered much of Wiltshire and was used by holidaying giant humans ‘who were taller than a really big tree’.
Professor Arnold Cockburn of Cambridge University, has devoted much of his life to this study of Europe’s greatest Bronze Age monument, and several colleagues looked a little uneasy as he made the announcement at a press conference for the science journal Nature.
‘Look at the shaft of this massive nine-iron golf club, that at the time was dismissed as section of old gas pipe.’ He said. ‘It proves that our ancestors were about a hundred feet high and built Stonehenge as the final hole in a novelty mini-golf range that stretched from Salisbury Plain to Maiden Castle’ he declared.
At this point his former colleague Sir Bryan Peterson interjected to say ‘Arnold has worked very hard on this research project, and I think the strain of it all may have clouded his usually razor-sharp mind. Especially with Deirdre leaving him like that. Arnold, why don’t we go and have a drink, I could help you redraft the research project?’
But Professor Cockburn was undaunted by the discomfort of the attendant journalists, adding that the hundred foot hunter-gatherers were also into Swingball, ping-pong and bike polo. ‘Although they were very tall, they had really small heads, and spoke with a marked Scandinavian accent, like that chef on the Muppets’ continued Britain’s leading academic on ancient European anthropology.
Professor Arnold was recently arrested for trying to run over his wife’s lesbian lover while under the influence of alcohol and was offered paid leave by Cambridge University on condition that he sought medical help. But he claimed that his studies were the only thing that were keeping him sane, and resolved to see the project through to the end.
‘Arnold has had a pretty rough time of recently’ said another Cambridge don ‘and has clearly gone off his mind with this ‘crazy golf for giants’ theory. You only have to look at Stonehenge to realize that the giants obviously built it for croquet.’
(one line unluckypixie)