NewsBiscuit

Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Budget airline Ryanair, was outed today as a member of an activist Greenpeace cell, which aims to bring an end to environmentally harmful air travel by making the experience just too unpleasant for people to consider undertaking.

The O’Leary revelation was sparked by an accusation from Steve Hunter, a plumber from Harlow travelling with his wife and children to Malaga using the airline. ‘I was in a holiday mood,’ explained the 45-year-old family man, ‘And I said to the miserable looking girl behind the ticket counter, ‘cheer up, love! A smile costs nothing!’. She told me that actually it does and stuck on a £7.50 surcharge, as well as a tenner for additional ski cover as I hadn’t unchecked the box on the form. I turned to the person behind me and said ‘it’s almost as if they don’t want us to fly!’, and the idea took off from there.’

Confronted with the allegation O’Leary confessed that he had hoped to bring down the aviation industry from the inside, luring passengers in with low fares initially, then over the course of several years making the experience of air travel so far removed from its glamorous image of flirty staff, free drinks, and exotic destinations, that the public would decide they’d rather stay at home building their own wind turbines.

Obviously relieved that the truth had finally emerged, the Irish business leader said he had been wrestling with his conscience since the start of operations, but knew that for the good of the planet, he had to appear a hard-nosed airline executive, and not the organic potato farmer he had been before his Greenpeace handlers selected him for the Ryanair job, and which he yearned to be again.

O’Leary said he had only been able to come to terms with the task by doing a deal to keep flights as short as possible, which he said explains why most Ryanair passengers don’t travel as far as the city they had expected to arrive at by plane, and have to spend several hours on lower-emission trains or coaches to reach their intended city break destination.

‘Bloody environmentalists,’ commented Mr Hunter, as his flight to Malaga touched down just outside Berne, Switzerland.

NealDoran

Posted: Jul 25th, 2008 by nealdoran