Looking tanned and healthy, Centrica Chief Executive Doug McDougal returned from his six month annual holiday in the Caribbean to hold a press conference about his company’s decision to build their new offices entirely from fifty pound notes.
‘I realise that some people may be confused by our decision to forego the usual structures of steel and concrete for this,’ he said, ‘but at a time when raw material costs are rising by the day it makes sense to our shareholders to be frugal and to make use of anything we have at hand.’
The strain of making £992 million in profit over the first half of the year was clearly beginning to show as Mr McDougal admitted that having enormous amounts of cash lying around was becoming a bit of a burden. ‘The truth is I can’t even get into my office for all the notes piled up on the floor and stuffed into cupboards so I thought it’s about time we had a clear out and this coincided perfectly with us building another office to keep my hats in,’ he said, before pausing briefly to grope his Brazilian supermodel girlfriend and wipe his nose on a twenty.
Mr McDougal then answered questions from the floor, and brushed aside criticism of a 35% hike in the company’s prices asking; ‘How else are we going to pay for a new fleet of 22-carat Gold-plated vans,’ although he later admitted that no matter how good they looked, most of them were still likely to turn up late.
At this point Mr McDougal’s PR manager halted the interview by tempting him away from the microphone with a handful of diamonds before a team of minders ushered him onto his platinum helicopter. Just before take off he confirmed that he was heading off to see the new swimming pool complex built by the CEO of Royal Dutch Shell. ‘It’s going to be fabulous’ he said, ‘He’s had it made entirely out of sapphires.’