The proposed transfer from nine-year-old Harry Lyons to his eight-year-old brother Tom of a Subbuteo man wearing the Liverpool away kit has fallen through. The two parties had agreed a fee for the player, thought to be in the region of two Mars Bars and a go on his PS2, beating off competition from their cousin Kevin who had only offered one Mars Bar and a Beano. According to Tom, the player himself had also negotiated personal terms, but had eventually failed a medical due to only having one leg after Harry and Tom’s mum stood on him.
Tom had been seeking a utility player who could play in any position (as they all do), but may now have to manoeuvre outside the transfer window when he goes back to school in September to see if any of his classmates have a player they are willing to swap.
This development comes on the back of an acrimonious couple of weeks during which Harry had complained bitterly about Tom’s pursuit of his player, and Tom was still waiting for a reply to his email to Sepp Blatter in which he fully expected the FIFA president to agree with his stance that the player’s case could be likened to slavery.
A statement on Tom’s blog said: ‘I am disappointed not to be signing the player, and wish him well with having his leg superglued back on by Dad. I remain committed to creating the greatest Subbuteo team ever assembled, although we know there’s going to be strong competition from the team being put together by that cocky new Russian kid who’s just turned up in year four.’
Tom also refuted rumours that he would be turning his interest to acquiring Harry’s controversial No. 9 who has been confined to the bottom of his sock drawer after an off-the-pitch incident in which he ended the career of another player by being dropped on him from about the height of a nine-year-old standing with his arm raised way above his head.