Department for Children, Schools and Families to ‘give up on schools’

Citing despair at the length of time it was taking to receive its results covering a whole year of efforts on the administration and direction of the nation’s schools the Department for Children, Schools and Families has announced that it is dropping the subject of Education to concentrate more on its other core topics where it feels it has a greater chance of success.

The DCSF apparently doesn’t think it’s done very well anyway and although it feels other departments would soon be on the phone to congratulate it on its results no matter what, and try to sound positive about everything, it’s still standing by its decision to ‘let that one go’ so it can be a bit more diligent with ‘the other stuff’.

The announcement was made by head of the Department Ed Balls, answering the question he believed the journalists had actually wanted to ask by whispering, ‘we’re going to pull out quietly now while everyone’s away on Summer holiday and just let schools get on with their own thing when they come back in September. Shhhh!’

But the DCSF has already been accused of not giving itself time to forget all it had learned in Schools and refocus on the different methods needed to tackle problems facing Children and Families. Particular criticism was aimed at the proposal that cartoons would not be allowed to be broadcast in areas where crime levels were high until they’d all ‘learned their lesson’, and that entire counties may be forced to give up their free time to ‘write lines’ if the ‘person who did it’ didn’t own up.

Minister of State for Children, Young People and Families, Beverley Hughes MP, was adamant it was the right approach, saying; ‘While most are well-behaved and want to progress, I’m very disappointed in certain members of the general public who are just spoiling it for the rest. You know, all it takes is a few bad apples…’ she added knowingly, before, without naming names, candidly assuring reporters that ‘they know who they are.’

But the measures have left some of the public in shock. ‘I know my little Jimmy’s a bit of a handful but do I really have to write a letter of apology to Gordon Brown every time he does something wrong?’ asked Eileen McGroogan of Carlisle, ‘We can say all we like about ‘yes we’ve learned our lesson, and yes we’ve thought very hard about what we’ve done and we won’t do it again’ but you can guarantee that as soon as that letter’s in the post box Jimmy’s going to be out there again late at night pissing up another wall. But bless him, he’s only five.’

In the face of all the accusations of ‘Nanny state’ intrusion, Ed Balls hit back at the critics in a strongly worded statement in which he threatened to turn around and go home if children and families didn’t just stop whingeing about it all. But David Cameron argued that the problems facing children and families were long-standing and entirely the government’s fault and put the blame squarely on Tony Blair for letting the country eat so much sugary food in the first place.

AndrewTaylor

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