NewsBiscuit

After dropping broad hints that a relaxation of Stamp Duty on house purchases may be imminent, Chancellor Alistair Darling has today officially deferred a decision on the matter, as he doesn’t want to miss the Olympic opening ceremony in Beijing. Britain’s finest athletes have been assembling in the Olympic village nervously awaiting the call to walk around Beijing’s ‘Bird’s Nest’ Stadium in a nice beige suit, and the Chancellor was adamant that he should be there in spirit to support them, and couldn’t possibly think about anything else as he was far too excited about what all those Chinese acrobats were about to get up to as the games kick off.

Seated in a comfy chair in front of the television at No. 11 Downing Street the Chancellor said; ‘This really isn’t a day to be making tough decisions on the direction of the economy and I would urge everyone to forget about their woes and instead perhaps close your eyes for about four hours and enjoy Huw Edwards explaining Chinese culture over the ages as it is revealed through the magic of music, dance and mime. I can’t wait for the ‘Great Leap Forward’ bit, that’s going to be really special.’

A strong rise in UK consumer confidence is expected if the Stamp Duty rules are relaxed but as a replay of the rehearsal for the Olympic ceremony was aired in the background a distracted Mr Darling could only say; ‘It’s very important that people take stock of the situation, take control of their finances, and Jesus how do they get their legs up so high? Isn’t that something you would have been taken out and shot for a few years ago? Now, if I were to put my diplomatic head on I’d probably say that’s a measure of just how far China has come.’

Mr Darling then briefly broke off from the television to say; ‘Obviously I’d like to make a decision on Stamp Duty fairly soon as I know a lot of people are just hanging around waiting, but the track and field starts next week and I’ll have to be up early to catch all of that, and then there’s the sailing, and I might even watch the beach volleyball, although that’s something that I think I may take a while to get into. So, lot’s to do and it’s hard to see when I’ll get the time for any of the other things.’

He also declined to confirm whether a decision on the subject would be made after the Olympics has finished, saying only that ‘I’d like to give you a definite yes or no at that point, but you see, that’s when the Paralympics start and that’s always a lot of fun, so it will be quite hard to think then as well. After that, well maybe. But no, hang on, isn’t the footy starting again?’

newsbiscuit

Posted: Aug 8th, 2008 by robd