Julia Fallon, an accountant from Hampstead, was reported to be ‘annoyed and frustrated’ after an erotic fantasy featuring Hollywood actor George Clooney failed to take off due to a complete inability to loosen her grip on reality.
‘I’d just been having a nice bath and a read about George’s new film in OK! magazine when my mind began to, well, wander a bit,’ explained the married 42-year-old fan. ‘The next thing I know I’m imagining me in something silky and sexy, sipping champagne, with George twinkling away and telling me I’m the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen.’
However the fantasy kept stalling as Julia considered the practical obstacles to such an unlikely series of events coming to pass, and Mr Clooney’s reaction to seeing the mother of two in a state of undress.
‘In my daydream he recoiled at my fat ankles and then tried to avert his eyes from my stretchmarks. And the fact that this was happening in my local supermarket kept jarring too. I mean the local Sainsbury’s is a handy store and all that, but I can’t imagine bumping into the world’s most eligible batchelor in the organic dried fruits aisle.’
Despite the initial setbacks Fallon pressed on with her fantasy, only to begin to worry about the Ocean’s Eleven star’s suitability as a long-term partner. ‘Forty-seven and never married? Must be some commitment problems there….’
Finally Fallon gave up on reconciling her self-image with the prospects of seducing one of the world’s biggest sex symbols, and instead thought she might try and see if she could adjust the bedroom lighting to see if there was any way to make her overweight husband look more convincing in the fireman’s outfit she’d got him as a joke gift last Valentines.
Mr Fallon was unavailable however, having locked himself in the downstairs loo after seeing Hollywood-based married multi-millionaire supermodel Heidi Klum winking and blowing a kiss on a TV ad. He was expected to be gone for some time.