Government figures published today revealed a sharp down-turn in imperial measurements against their metric equivalents. The mile slumped 400 yards against the kilometre, while the pound fell 3 ounces against the kilogram. Panic was quickly replaced by anger among British holidaymakers in Spain, as they woke up to find themselves anything up to six inches shorter than the day before, while their Spanish counterparts appeared to have had grown by a similar amount.
The Prime Minister sought to re-assure the public, and promised to support ‘the very short and the very thin’, for whom further losses could otherwise prove fatal. Standing beside Nicholas Sarkozy who now towered over him despite the new lifts in the Prime Minister’s shoes, Gordon Brown also stressed some of the benefits of the devaluation of the imperial system, noting that those travelling in continental Europe would find journey times slashed, as each mile now carried British registered cars almost 2 kilometres.
There may also be other long term benefits for the UK. With Fahrenheit falling against Celsius, the government believe that Britain may be able to escape the worst consequences of global warming. ‘Sea levels won’t rise as far here, but then everyone will be much shorter – so it’s quite hard to predict who’ll keep their heads above water.’