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Man seeks Restraining Order against Narrator

Dave Sanders, 34, of Stevenage, began legal proceedings today seeking a restraining order against his Narrator, saying that his life had been made intolerable by the constant banal and intrusive commentary. Dave said he first noticed the voice-over to his life after becoming a devotee of documentaries and reality shows, but it gradually took on a life of its own. ‘It started as an occasional voice in my head, generally making an obvious statement followed by a meaningless rhetorical question, such as: ‘Dave really needs a cup of tea, but will he remember where he left the teabags?’’

Dave said that it wasn’t too bad to begin with and sometimes it was nice to be reminded of what he was supposed to be doing. But after a while he began to feel he was being watched, and then other people started to hear the voice too. ‘I’d be like talking to my boss and the voice over would say ‘Dave is trying to impress the new Head of Human Resources – but did she notice him glance at her cleavage?’

The presence gradually increased until one morning he woke up to find the Narrator standing at his bedside, looking down at him and saying: ‘Dave is frantically trying to find the snooze button, but will he knock his glass of water over in the process?’ Dave’s solicitor said that the Narrator – who spoke in a number of accents but usually settled for Geordie, Scots or Home Counties – had started following Dave throughout his working week, questioning whether he would catch the train on time for that important meeting or wondering what kind of sandwich he would choose for lunch.

Things then took a further turn for the worse when he invaded Dave’s social life. ‘I was never that confident telling jokes,’ said Dave, ‘so I was a bit miffed when the Narrator appeared in the pub next to me and my mates saying ‘Dave is about to deliver the punch-line, but will he cock it up like he did last week?’ The final straw was when he materialised while I was in bed with my girlfriend, saying, ‘Dave is ready to come now, but will he be able to hold off until Lisa is satisfied?’ I did my best to carry on, but Lisa found it really creepy and it ruined everything.’

Dave said that he was confident that his legal application will succeed… And then a voice continued ‘…but is that confidence really justified?’

Des Custard

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Posted: Sep 28th, 2008 by Des Custard

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