George Bush today revealed the detail on a new economic rescue package which it was hoped would pull America back from the brink of financial ruin. Less complex than the previous plan rejected by Washington, the President is proposing simply to collect up the empty mineral water bottles that can be exchanged for 5 cents at the recycling centre, and pay off America’s $700 billion debt that way.
‘It works out as only 14000 billion empty plastic bottles’ explained one upbeat White House aide, ‘And the President already collected about thirty. We are tidying up the streets of our cities AND solving America’s debt crisis so it is a win-win solution.’
In recent years, collecting plastic water bottles has generally been a job for the homeless and destitute, who could be seen on the streets of many U.S. states carrying bags and bags of them. But for want of any other ideas as to where to find hundreds of billions of dollars, the US government has followed the lead of its poorest citizens; ‘Once again, the initiative and resourcefulness of the American people has pointed the way for big government,’ said the President pushing his over-laden trolley through the park, as mothers with small children moved away to avoid the smell.
Meanwhile other money making initiatives have been gaining popularity on Wall Street, following the failure of the White House rescue package. Some bank executives are now cleaning car windscreens at busy traffic junctions while others are getting jobs holding signs advertising cheap pizza restaurants. ‘Plus some of the guys in Wall Street found they could raise a few extra bucks selling their blood’ said one stock-broker. ‘The idea seemed to work for a while, but then a Wall Street Blood Bank bought out a Philadelphia Blood Bank, lending blood it didn’t have to European and Far Eastern Blood Banks, and the whole world blood banking system has just come crashing down.’