NewsBiscuit

In a shock announcement earlier today, Fox News declared Senator John McCain the winner of the 2008 United States Presidential Elections. A Fox spokesperson said ‘We have exclusive information that confirms that John McCain has received the highest share of the vote in all 61 US states! God Bless President McCain!’

The surprise announcement is the earliest that a Presidential election has ever been called. ‘Back in 1984, the Reagan landslide was called comparatively early during the night of the election,’ said one Washington correspondent; ‘In 2000 of course, it wasn’t called until weeks after the election. But as far as we know this is the first time it has been called long before polling day. It really is an amazing achievement for someone who was so far behind in the polls…’

Fox claimed that their record breaking announcement was possible due to major advances in technology and communications and called on Senator Obama to concede defeat gracefully, despite some disquiet among some democrats about the way this has come about.

‘Apparently McCain won key swing states like Utah, Alaska, Israel and Singapore. Oh and apparently he also had the most balloons’ said one disgruntled and confused Obama supporter. ‘But we don’t accept that a Murdoch TV channel can call the election before the American people have actually had the chance to vote’ he said.

Fox dismissed this ‘whingeing’ as ‘Democratic propaganda’ and said it was time for the country to get behind its new leader at this time of international uncertainty. Most surprised of all was 76 year old President McCain, who was so shocked by the announcement that he clutched his heart, keeled over and was immediately rushed to hospital. Fox News has said that it expects to declare Sarah Palin President at some time tomorrow.

See also Sarah Palin proves critics wrong by naming three countries

Reece Noble and thisisalloneword

Posted: Oct 18th, 2008 by NewsBiscuit