Celebrities to be herded into sheep pens in re-launch of ‘One Man and His Dog’

BBC chiefs are confident that they have another hit on their hands with their new prime time entertainment remake, ‘Celebrity One Man and his Dog’. The revamped classic which will see professional shepherds compete to herd skittish groups of minor show business personalities into small pens with the aid of just one Border Collie.

Producers had originally planned to take a group of celebrities and train them in the ancient but dying traditions of shepherding but, inundated with declarations of interest from former pop stars, unemployed soap actors, and reality TV contestants, decided it was ‘cheaper and easier’ to use them all and ‘ditch the sheep altogether’.

‘It was a logistical decision really,’ explained Karen Donohue, the show’s executive producer, ‘someone pointed out that by using the celebs, the tidy-up after any studio section of the recording would involve just one researcher following a collie around with a poop-scooper, rather than getting in the industrial cleaners to rectify the disgusting mess forty farmyard animals would make in a confined space full of expensive TV equipment. Of course, that was before anyone had seen what happened in Kerry Katona’s dressing room.’

Over the course of the series, twelve farmers will herd their flock of showbiz stars into small pens, replacing the traditional whistles and shouts of ‘Come by!’ with enticing references to celebrity magazine deals, and the promise of free drink and class A drugs. ‘It’s amazing to watch these shepherds work, keeping the celebrities under control and out of the rehab centres scattered across the countryside,’ commented host John Craven. ‘One mis-timed cry of “Paparazzi!” and all the boys try and lamp anyone that might be a photographer while the girls stop dead to thrust some cleavage in into the cameras.’

As well as boosting the careers of its famous contestants, the BBC expects the show to create entirely new celebrities out of the hard-working country-folk that will farm them. Sixty seven year-old Cumbrian shepherd Bert Jenkins has already been photographed for Hello! ‘relaxing at his luxurious sheep dip’, while a seven-figure publishing deal was signed for an ‘explosive’ kiss and tell autobiography aimed at the Christmas market, written by Bert’s three year-old sheepdog, Jessie.

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