NewsBiscuit Writer of the Month
The Writer of the Month award was introduced in October 2008 to honour excellence in the heating and ventilation industry – no, hang on, ‘to acknowledge the talents and efforts of those writers who have made the best contribution to the site over the previous month’. The prestigious award was initially given to the writer who scored the most front page stories each month, but since August 2011 has been given to the author the month’s most-read story. Despite this change, monetary bribes and sexual favours continue to be looked on favourably by the judges.
The lucky winner gets a peerage, a NewsBiscuit mug and their name engraved on the large marble plaque in our plush West London headquarters.
March 2014 – Squudge
February 2014 – Pinxit and andyiong
This month saw two winners, due to the Nice Admin Lady Bot 3000 malfunctioning and emitting too much ‘Nice’.
Pinxit – Lithe as a whippet, Yorkshire born and bred pinxit has earned most of his plaudits hanging on to the tailcoats of those vastly more talented, by adding pix to their award-wining subs – such as Wrenfoe’s ‘Robert Mugabe declares himself the new Doctor Who’ and nickb’s classic ‘BBC2 declares War on BBC1′. His Writer of the Month accolade however, was awarded for the most excellent ‘Russian cannibal rats ghost ship spotted in Staines High Street’. When not earning a crust designing fluffy-wuffy ickle chocolate boxes, he wastes most of his time on Twitter as @Brandy_Snap and on a doctorate thesis into the life and times of David Cameron Diaz.
andyiong – Hello. You may recognise me from controversial, Writer of the Month winning subs such as ‘Madeleine McCann missing from front page of Express‘, or as the cover star of Talulah Gosh’s cracking ‘Was it just a Dream?’ album. There will be some who’ll say that this is a lie, simply an excuse to get the cover of one of my favourite records printed on NB. Others will say that Andy is a boy’s name and this is quite plainly a picture of a girl, so it couldn’t possibly be me. To those who question my veracity, I say: I will hunt you down. And you will pay. Others may wish to be nasty about Talulah Gosh. They will be punished.
Also, whilst not modelling for record sleeves, I compose election campaign slogans for the Labour Party. This is my latest: ‘Vote Labour: We may be a pack of useless, incompetent wankers who couldn’t organise a piss-up at a stand up urinal, but at least we don’t hate you and your children so much that we wish to beat them over the head indefinitely with a club composed in equal measures from free market economics, extravagant malice and a sense of morality primarily forged at Eton whilst playing a particularly messy round of the biscuit game. Well, not as much as the Tories, anyway’. They said it wouldn’t fit on the pledge cards, but I think that’s a lie; they don’t take me seriously because of the bloody pigtails. I don’t know about you but I call that prejudice. And to think I work for Harriet bloody Harman.
January 2014 – Oxbridge
When not too busy spotting puerile innuendos in shop signs in Switzerland, Oxbridge has continued to mine his distant memories of studying history for yet more lowest common denominator humour. Having achieved his target of one Writer of the Month award per calendar year at the earliest opportunity (‘Bayeux Tapestry ‘contains world’s first photobomb’), he plans to spend the rest of the year arguing with strangers on Facebook about nothing in particular and wondering how all the people he knew at the actual Oxbridge got to run the country while he has been reduced to this.
December 2013 – Jamsieoconor
Following my historic achievement in managing to get a front page on Nelson Mandela published and then pulled within half an hour due to the number of complaints, I felt that I needed to immediately restore my fragile reputation by writing a thoughtful and poignant piece on the intricacies of international and intra-national boundaries and the fragility of national perceptions. However, I couldn’t think of anything to write about that so I bunged out some half-baked rubbish about the Scottish border being stolen instead and hoped for the best.
November 2013 – Ludicity
The brilliantly talented Ludicity put another notch in his NB contributor post when ‘All benefits must be collected from top of mountain says Iain Duncan Smith’ topped the NewsBiscuit charts this month. Unfortunately he was unavailable for comment on his rumoured alliance with Jamsieoconnor, and their alleged intentions of building the UKs largest dishwasher safe empire.
A 21 year old English student from York, TobiasBV is in many ways too nice. He loves other people’s success and it matters to him more than his own, therefore accepting this award – despite the inevitable outrage were he not to have won – is bittersweet. Having said that, he’s chuffed with winning Writer of the Month for ‘Amateur performers botch up John Cage 4’33’, as he’s a vocal advocate of positive reinforcement.Tobias also had a brief but wildly successful stint in musical theatre, playing a psychotic, woman beating dentist addicted to laughing gas in ‘Little Shop of Horrors’. The production was seen by nearly 200 people, earning such critical kudos as ‘nice one’ and ‘didn’t realise you could sing…’ He would like to thank Constantin Stanislavski for helping him get into character. Tobias’ likes include taxidermy, carrying thick books in order to impress women and improve his chances of engaging in coitus, and as previously stated, other people’s success. His dislikes include Al Quaeda, and poems whose quality is disproportionate to their difficulty. If he died tomorrow, Tobias would like to be remembered as ‘well hung’.
September 2013 – Bonjonelson
Bonjo Eohippus Nelson won September’s award with ‘Homeopathic medicines ‘proved to work’, if repeatedly diluted in codeine’. He was born, lived for a bit, and isn’t dead yet. To pass the time he collects rocks and writes articles of a pseudoscientific nature about pseudoscience. Once, in 1977, he was nearly shat on by a pigeon. In 1989 he tripped whilst running for the 166 bus in Purley and grazed his elbow quite painfully. In 2011 he started writing for Newsbiscuit.
August 2013 – Wrenfoe
By his own admission, Wrenfoe knew that ‘Robert Mugabe declares himself the new Doctor Who’ would win the Writer of the Month accolade. What other politician inspires such love and affection as Mr. Mugabe? Known as the ‘Queen Mum of Africa’, he is adored by small children, animals and fans of democracy alike. By cynically capitalising on the fondness with which Mr. Mugabe is held, Wrenfoe is only basking in the reflected glory of this distinguished elder statesmen. And what excuse does Wrenfoe have? None! He’s just a big floating eye. Goodness knows how he types. The cost of Optrex must be astronomical. Seriously, what is he, some kind of Sauron wannabe? He’s starting to creep me out. Look how the eye follows you wherever you go…
July 2013 – NewBiscuit
June 2013 – SuburbanDad
When SuburbanDad told his family he was going to write for NewsBiscuit, they just laughed – well, they’re not laughing now*. After just five years of trying to achieve Writer of the Month status whilst pretending he didn’t mind not having it, SuburbanDad (Paul Flowers) is delighted to have overcome the struggles of a normal childhood in Tooting to become possibly the first white, middle class, moderately well-educated man living in a stereotypically suburban house with a stereotypically nice family to win the award. Paul has tried to put Carshalton on the comedy map, but would like to point out his suburb is not as weird as all that – you should see Purley. He used to suffer great angst about whether his material was funny enough, and has a laptop full of half-written stories, but latterly decided just to polish the turds and dump them in the Writers’ Room anyway, ‘for you never know when your turd might turn out to be golden’. Thank you, Thomas the Tank Engine.
*Copyright Bob Monkhouse, or someone else if he nicked the joke.
May 2013 – darkbill
Darkbill wins her fourth Writer of the Month award for the story ‘Straight man attacked by gang of vicious homosexuals’. It has persuaded her to seek the quiet life again and withdraw any of the biographical details previously divulged. Darkbill says he is proud to receive the award again, but politely requests not to be visited by wellwishers, bailiffs or door-to-door salesmen on his North Sea oil rig.
April 2013 – Ian Searle
Too lazy to come up with a pseudonym, Homer Simpson look-a-like Ian is a humble TV technical type by day, and International Comedy Writer by night. He has been doing this for more years than he cares to remember. Inspired by his opposition to the Thatcher government he had success with one-liners on both Weekending and The News Huddlines. On television his quickies and sketches have been used in various shows, including Hale and Pace, Russ Abbott, Smith and Jones, both in this country and abroad. He continues to contribute to local radio, and prep sheets for Radio DJs. Ian has also written broadcast episodes of a children’s puppet show, and an episode for a network sitcom. He dreams of one day being a ‘proper’ comedy writer.
March 2013 – Oxbridge
Oxbridge’s children, whose identities have been obscured to protect them from any further embarrassment, would like to point out that this is getting a bit too much. First he wins Writer of the Month for an archive story, now it’s one that died in the Writers’ Room a year ago and was recycled by someone else (‘BMW relaxes ‘Dickhead Test’ for buyers’). They get quite enough of his derivative sub-Python humour at home as it is without this to encourage him. Oh, and now he says he’s going to be on Mastermind again later this year. Terrific, absolutely terrific.
February 2013 – Vertically Challenged Giant
After spending the nine months since his last win stealing business ideas from Apprentice contestants, VCG has been declared bankrupt three times and arrested twice. In February he was released from jail and returned to NewsBiscuit to join in with everybody else trying to find a joke about the horsemeat scandal that hadn’t already been done several times. He just about succeeded with ‘Dairy farmer discovers 60% of his cows are horses’, which was the most read story in February and earned him his fourth Writer of the Month award, which would be a record if other people hadn’t won more.
His fiction-writing skills are set to be put to the test in his new career as he has been offered a job as a local journalist on the Evening Harold, which he seems to believe is a real paper and not somebody winding him up.
January 2013 – BAJDixon
BAJDixon won the Writer of the Month award for his story ‘Cameron pours his curves into suit for Europe speech’. Wolverhampton’s cultural attache to the south, Dixon lists his hobbies as catching, wearing navy blue clothes and the illicit trans-boundary movement of hazardous waste. He tweets @BAJDixon (NB 90% of jokes about the train being late).
December 2012 – Uncle Bertie
November 2012 – Ludicity
Surprise surprise, Ludicity scoops his 171st Writer of the Month victory, this time for the excellent ‘Jeremy Hunt to open world’s first placebo hospital’. Extremely talented writer, continue to value his output, how many mugs does one person need, etc, etc.
October 2012 -jamsieoconnor
Newcomer jamsieoconnor wins the Writer of the Month award for his excellent story ‘Rally driver admits he has no idea what co-driver is taking about’. When not writing for NewsBiscuit, jamsieoconnor spends his time campaigning against the barbaric practice of cats eyes being removed for road safety purposes. He went on to tell us a load of other stuff to do with his life, his influences, and how you have to accelerate through the corners, but we didn’t really know what he was going on about.
September 2012 – Oxbridge
Two weeks ago, Oxbridge bought a copy of ‘Things Can Only Get Better’ (no, not the one by D-Ream, the other one) in a charity shop. Since when Tottenham have won at Old Trafford, lots of hot women in his area have been trying to get in touch, he was given an engraved metal plate for speaking at a conference in Algeria and now he has won Writer of the Month for a month when he never actually wrote anything. (‘Pope admits, ‘Actually I am the Antichrist”.) Ironic, as Alanis Morrisette might have said if she knew what the bloody word meant. Like everyone else on NewsBiscuit and as yet undiscovered tribes living off berries and sump oil in Papua New Guinea, he agrees that he really didn’t deserve it but the editor’s decision is final and apparently the editor has decided that Oxy is his biatch. Respect.
August 2012 – antharrison
Ant, pictured here with his twin brother, is the one who doesn’t look like he has just murdered someone. In his spare time Ant does whatever he likes because he is unemployed. Ant is lucky to enjoy the support of his fantastic wife and two lovely kids, who are looking forward to retiring on the proceeds of his NewsBiscuit success, or at least drinking a donated cup-a-soup from the free mug should it ever arrive. Which it probably won’t.
July 2012 – Peter74940
Peter74940 wins the Writer of the Month award for his story ‘Latest security breach sees theft of entire Olympic Village’. When not writing for NewsBiscuit, Peter74940 spends much of his time trying to track down and eliminate the remaining 74,939 Peters who registered on the site before him. He can write only in German and Welsh, with any resulting comedy being the product of coding errors in the free online translation software which eventually converts his words into English. One of his proudest moments in life was convincing a tourist that the Hertfordshire town of Cheshunt was pronounced with a silent ‘esh’. Diolch yn fawn und gute Nacht!
June 2012 – Boutros
Boutros becomes the first former UN Secretary General to win NewsBiscuit’s coveted Writer of the Month award, finally proving beyond doubt that international diplomacy provides an excellent grounding in comedy writing. He scoops the award for ‘Children warned name of first pet should contain 8 characters and a digit’. Boutros lives with his nice wife and two nice children in a nice terraced house in a nice part of South West London. At least that’s what he tells those nice Israelis and Palestinians.
May 2012 – @spinal_bap
@spinal_bap wins Writer of the Month for his story ‘Fearne Cotton’s record collection goes online’, the first News-in-Brief to scoop the award. His blog has been described by internet message boarders as “rubbish”, “not very funny”, “pretty weak satire”, and “sulky and bitter for no apparent reason”. Some of these comments can be attributed to fans of Radiohead. He intends to celebrate his victory by listening to Radio 1 all day long and downing a shot every time a DJ raises his or her voice at the end of a sentence when it isn’t even a question. Double shot for the misuse of ‘literally’.
April 2012 – Vertically Challenged Giant
The last time VCG completed a hat-trick it was in a local 6-a-side league, and was rounded off with a lovely chip from inside his own half, which he still brings up given half a chance. His latest hat-trick was seen by a few more people than that one, and rounded off with the equally lovely ‘Why people hate me for being beautiful, by David Cameron’.
He now plans to retire from writing spoof news stories and concentrate on a new career stealing business ideas off Apprentice contestants and trying to pass them off as his own. He may also take some time to learn how to take a photo properly.
March 2012 – Ludicity
The success of his story ‘New Archbishop to be chosen via TV variety show, Bishops Got Talent’ took the ecclesiastically talented Ludicity (Carl Maxim) to a record sixth Writer of the Month title. In recognition of his winning the award more than any other living or dead NewsBiscuit writer he was beatified at a private ceremony involving Rowan Williams and Simon Cowell, and will now take up a seat on the General Synod alongside Amanda Holden.
February 2012 – The Paper Ostrich
The Paper Ostrich (aka Paul Peros) secured a hat-trick of Writer of the Month victories with his sophisticated and nuanced piece of Royal reportage, ‘Nation enthralled as Kate does thing’. An ardent Royalist, he admits to being enormously excited at the prospect of the Diamond Jubilee and the Olympics providing plenty of opportunities to celebrate and observe Pippa Middleton’s arse.
January 2012 – Skylarking
Skylarking (aka Ben Cohen) wins his second Writer of the Month award for his story ‘Waiting For Godot for Wii breaks first-week sales record’. He has spent the time since his first success pitching ideas for innovative new video games to various software developers, and although he hasn’t landed a commission yet, he is hopeful that a promised meeting with a Nintendo executive at an unspecified time by a tree could deliver him into the big time.
December 2011 – ianslat
ianslat last won the coveted WoM award in October 2010, back when the global economy was fucked, British troops were still in the Middle East, Andy Murray had just missed out on winning a grand slam and John Terry had been dropped as England captain. Thankfully everything’s much better now, and the world is a better place.
November 2011 – Vertically Challenged Giant
VCG wins his second successive Writer of the Month award for his story ‘Sacha Baron Cohen announces current series of ‘Berlusconi’ will be the last’. Upset at being asked to write two short biog paragraphs in two months, he is now considering going on strike in protest at this massive increase in workload with no pay rise.
October 2011 – Vertically Challenged Giant
VCG is no stranger to receiving awards for his literary contributions. Aged 8 he won a notepad and pen after coming second in a primary school poetry contest. Hot on the heels of that award he has now been named Writer of the Month, a mere two decades later, for his story ‘Waitrose withdraws ‘essential’ range after finding poor people in stores’. In the interests of not getting fired he isn’t going to reveal any personal details, just in case his boss stumbles across the site and figures out why it takes him so long to get any work done. His hobbies do not include self-portrait photography, which is just as well really.
September 2011 – bonjonelson
Bonjo Nelson, mild-mannered web programmer by day, and slighly less well-manered web programmer in the evenings, grew up in Wimbledon but hates tennis. His hobbies include collecting rocks and advanced-level procrastination. His prized possessions include an e-book that is electronically signed by Dave Gorman. Bonjo was named Writer of the Month for September for his enormously popular story ‘Homeopathic leak threatens catastrophe’.
August 2011 – The Paper Ostrich
Unlike Nick Clegg, the Paper Ostrich has benefited from a recent change to the voting system which saw his story ‘Looters apologise to communities for causing two days of visits by politicians’ rise to the top of the NewsBiscuit pile in August. Known in 3D as Paul Peros and still living in God’s own county of Hertfordshire, it has been two years since he last featured among the blessed chorus of NewsBiscuit Writers-of-the-Month, so his long-awaited return to the frontline of popular culture ranks up there in the history of these islands alongside the second series of Downton Abbey. With the difficult second win out of the way, he now returns like his comedy inspiration Lord Mandelson to the shadows, but will inevitably sashay out again some time in a future bid for yet more glory.
July 2011 – Oxbridge
Oxbridge has just padded up to open the batting for Gloucestershire at the Cheltenham Festival while watching Myleene Klass polish his Booker Prize trophy – oh hang on, that’s all in a parallel universe. In this one, he would like to thank everyone at NewsBiscuit for their love and support yadda yadda. He is now retiring from satire to spend more time with his family. His family has promised to get him back into satire as soon as they can.
June 2011 – Ludicity
Ludicity (Carl Maxim) took his tally of Writer of the Month awards to a whopping five after another superb month in June. He scored nine front page stories, including ‘Creationist school appears out of nowhere’ and ‘Panini launch new range of superinjunction cards and stickers’. He is now half way to double figures, and only 95 short of his century of WoM victories.
May 2011 – rickwestwell
One half of the famous ‘Tumbling’ Westwell Brothers, rick (seen here in a recent photo) has been a burlesque performer and acrobat since accidentally sawing his father in half in a tragic gardening accident. He was formerly singer for the band “I Like Danny’s Hair”, a ten-year explanation of why not to combine gothic punk and house music. Mistakenly believing Bruce Forsyth to be dead, they recorded a moving tribute, which was swiftly banned. A NewsBiscuit writer since it was a real printed ‘paper delivered daily by urchins, when not polishing his oeuvre rick is honing a musical version of ‘Wainwright’s Guide to the Lakeland Fells’, featuring foot-tappers like “Great Heavens, Great Gable!” and “Can I take you up Scafell Pike (What’s not to like)”.
April 2011 – jp1885
After two Writer of the Month victories in 2009, JP endured months of acrimony with his mojo, until finally it walked out on him. The pair maintained an on-off relationship for a while, and occasionally JP managed a front page when his mojo returned to doss down on the sofa for a night. However, in 2010 the couple announced that they were splitting for good. But in 2011 JP was papped having lunch with a glamorous blonde mystery mojo, and has since set tongues wagging by cobbling together enough material to win Writer of the Month for a third time, thus finally fulfilling his life’s ambition. Jon lives in Hereford where his hobbies are jabbing a computer keyboard with his finger and pushing spellcheck to the very limits of endurance.
March 2011 – Des and Stan
Des first met Stan when they were guests on The Paul Daniels Magic Show in 1986. Concerned that he was becoming typecast as an amiable sports presenter and wanting to fulfil a long ambition to write edgy satire, he asked Stan to be his comedy partner. Stan declared that he would be ‘hip hip to moustache mode with Desio,’ but by the time Des finally kicked the football habit Stan had done a tiresome snuflode.
Happily, thanks to NewsBiscuit, the pair were reunited and although Stan is rather slow these days, and Des is greyer, they have managed to ploddy-ploddy forward into the deep complicadent fundermold of the forry to sort this out.
February 2011 – Stan Laurel
This son of the desert took his name from the title of his favourite film, ‘Laurel of Arabia’. Stan, or Ian Saunders as he is known in real life, has been writing for NewsBiscuit since the black and white era. He spends his working days pretending to be an insurance consultant in the City, and weekends pretending to be a husband and father in Devon. Ian would like to make it very clear that he does not necessarily share the opinions that Stan expresses on the site. And, Stan agrees.
January 2011 – Ludicity
Ludicity became the first person to win the coveted Writer of the Month award four (count ‘em) times following a mammoth ten front page stories in January. His number ones included ‘Royal Wedding to feature 3D holographic Diana’ and ‘Tony Blair to do ‘You Can’t Handle the Truth’ speech at Iraq Inquiry’, and we are too polite to mention his number twos. To mark his groundbreaking success, Ludicity has now been officially branded a show-off and will be shunned by all less successful writers.
December 2010 – Golgo13
Golgo13, real name Stephen Noonan, grew up in Bath, did a maths degree at Manchester, left for Japan aged 20 and came back after 12 years with an appreciation for patience, karaoke and communal bathing. The name (not Stephen Noonan) comes from a Japanese comic-book character who is the world’s best sniper/assassin, and was chosen ironically because he’s actually a rubbish assassin. Now living in Chessington (famous for its World of Adventures) with wife and two sons, writing for NewsBiscuit has given him a chance to libel friends by using their names in articles.
November 2010 – Oxbridge
Oxbridge attributes his latest win to the power of positive thinking and the lack of better things to do in Herefordshire than win a mug which probably won’t get posted to him anyway. (The last one wasn’t and that was September last bloody year for pity’s sake. We do have post in Herefordshire, you know.) Oh, and the training in patience and humility borne out of living behind 53 unsold boxes of Civil War, Interregnum & Restoration in Gloucestershire, 1640-1672 for the past 13 years. It’s also available on Amazon. A bit like the mug apparently, only more expensive, though the mug probably has even greater rarity value.
October 2010 – ianslat
Since he first won Writer of the Month two years ago the prizes have continued to flood in for ianslat – not one but two £10 lottery wins, a year’s subscription to the Wildfowl and Wetlands Trust and a box of After Eights in the PTA raffle. He has however managed to maintain a low profile in the media and has so far avoided being invited to take part in I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here. He has also enjoyed numerous tasty cups of coffee out of his Newsbiscuit mug.
September 2010 – la maga
La maga writes sometimes for pleasure and sometimes as a form of punishment for sins committed in a past life. Some of the writing has a satirical or humourous bent to it. Despite the massive disadvantages conferred by a full-time job, for which la maga is congenitally unsuited (being of a nervous disposition and somewhat lazy), essays, long non-fiction, short stories and novels for children continue to fill the magian hard-drive. La maga is committed to attacking trees with chainsaws until such time as the publishing industry offers to do so instead. One way or another those trees will meet their maker.
July and August 2010 – Ludicity
Following a phenomenal run of form in July and August, Ludicity becomes the fourth NewsBiscuit writer to complete the coveted hat-trick of Writer of the Month Awards. Front page stories included ‘Noam Chomsky to become new X-Factor judge’, ‘Nick Clegg to repeal second law of thermodynamics’ and the viral hit ‘Gulf states order Blackberry users to cover their phones in a tiny burqa’. In celebration of joining the pantheon of NewsBiscuit greats, Ludicity will now be pursuing other projects such as paying his rent.
June 2010 – Darkbill
After much, genuine, arm-twisting a third WOM win has ‘persuaded’ the mysterious Darkbill – aka Ellie Gale – to reveal herself. Shockingly, she is neither a man nor the Editor. Worried, initially, about making it in the locker-room environment of online satire she decided to follow in the footsteps of other non-gender-specific artists such as J K Rowling, George Eliot and that woman with the willy off The Crying Game. Ellie has recently swapped the drudgery of semi-professional photography and modelling for the bright lights and glamour that come with qualifying as a solicitor. Her hobbies include wealth, power, making witches hats, hill-walking and murder. Her only dislikes are sprouts, the M11 (specifically, junction 10) and that song ‘Pipes of Peace’ by Wings. She lives alone with an Apple Mac called Gerry, nowhere near High Wycombe.
April and May 2010 – Genghis Cohen
Since winning his first writer of the month award in January 2009, Genghis Cohen is widely recognised to have matured as a writer by about 15 months. This summer he will be taking his spoof news act on the road as he promotes his debut long-player, a roots reggae concept album about kidnapping called ‘No Woman, No Cry So Loud’. Having now resolved his Oedipus complex, Genghis continues to go from strength to strength, starting most mornings with White Lightning before moving onto methylated spirits by lunch. Depending on who he’s trying to impress, Genghis lives either in South London or West Wickham, Kent with his wife, children, dogs and a delicious-looking rabbit. He is a freelance spy.
March 2010 – Ludicity
Ludicity, aka Carl Maxim, was abandoned as a child and raised by a family of otters – you can read more in his autobiography, Tarka the Nutter. He lives in Southsea, drinks endless cups of tea and stares mindlessly into space. Following an episode of Bagpuss he once spent an afternoon trying to build a perpetual chocolate biscuit-making machine. He is an occasional writer, an occasional stand-up and a very occasional table. This year he secured a worldwide patent. He now owns the rights to everything.
February 2010 – Des Custard
Although a keen writer from an early age, Des was lured onto the wrong side of the tracks and is still trying to find his way back. Currently serving a stretch in Tunbridge Wells, Des is married to the lovely Mrs C and has two fine student sons and a tabby cat. His likes include Matt, opera, crosswords, Led Zeppelin, Young’s beer, HIGNFY, sausages, Radio 3, Douglas Adams and Arsenal FC. His favourite colour is blue and his favourite Beatle is Paul.
The mysterious Darkbill maintains the top spot for a second consecutive month. Speculation remains rife regarding the identity of the dark one. Even the upper echelons of the Newsbiscuit organisation are no closer to solving the riddle. Who are they? What are they? And how many members of the Chelsea team have they slept with?
We can only hope that if he/she/it pulls off the hatrick they will decide to reveal all, unless Matthew Wright inadvisably blurts out the name on Channel 5 before then.
So little is known about the mysterious ‘darkbill’ that many have speculated that he/she may be a member of the Newsbiscuit’s own inner cabal, or is the result of a secret military experiment to create a comedy writer impervious to criticism or payment. The truth is that the mystery is much closer to an enigma than that.
It was hoped that awarding the dark one, Writer of the Month, might coax her/him from the abandoned chemical works they have converted into a lair, by use of clever lighting and some throws, but to no avail. However, we do know that darkbill intends to use their mug to fuel their comedy creativity, and, weather permitting, fight crime.
Congratulations to Mary Evans who becomes the first writer to get the ultimate hattrick in internet comedy news parody writing. With seven front pages in one month, Mary also set another new record, and subsequently announced her retirement from consideration for this prestigious award.
It took until October 2008 and the award of the NewsBiscuit Writer of the Month title for Neal to add an achievement to his CV to surpass second place in the Little Prince contest which was the highlight of one sunny summer week at Pontin’s in the 1970s. Retaining the title, against even tougher competition than that faced in a holiday camp ballroom over three decades ago, is an honour that tops them both.
While managing to double the number of toddling sons in his house since originally being named Miss October, the struggle for world peace — and against cellulite — is sadly proving more challenging.
Oxbridge is Andrew Warmington, who was on Mastermind on 9th October. Andrew set up the Oxford Revue Workshop 20 years ago with Armando Iannucci, Richard Herring, Stewart Lee, Al Murray and others and has barely stopped talking about it since. Realising he was a bit poo by comparison with them, he went into writing about chemicals and bided his time until the right satirical news website came along. In between eating swans for breakfast and appearing on Mastermind on 9th October, he lives in the increasingly crowded cauldron of comedy that is Herefordshire with his wife and two children.
August 2009 – Mary Evans
Mary becomes the first person to win back to back titles since Alex Fergurson, following a penalty shoot out with Neal Doran. The race is now on for the first ever hattrick…
July 2009 – Mary Evans
Ever the creative type, Mary Evans contrived her ingenious nom de plume after unearthing an historic text in her loft, later discovered to be her own birth certificate. A journalist by trade, the fabrication of news stories comes quite naturally as Mary roams the wilds of Surrey, accompanied by the two incontinent pygmies with whom she shares her days and most of her nights. July was Mary’s first full month of writing for The Biscuit, a feat she intends to celebrate with a crippling case of writer’s block. She is honoured to be the first female recipient of the venerable NB mug, even when it was presented with a pat on the bottom and a winked request to ‘pop the kettle on love and make us all a cuppa’.
June 2009 – The Paper Ostrich
June was a bumper month for The Paper Ostrich – known to a select few as Paul Peros, a denizen of that earthly paradise called Hertfordshire – who has become the latest to be accorded NewsBiscuit’s – nay, Britain’s – highest honour. Blubbering like Halle Berry on Oscar night, he unintelligibly insists that his mug is “for every nameless, faceless, white middle-class male aspiring comedy writer that now has a chance because this door has been opened”. He is a latecomer to the world of writing for pleasure, having previously viewed it with the suspicion of the peasant. Now convinced that it is not the Devil’s work, he has pursued it here on NewsBiscuit with fervour since 2008, and this handsome reward makes all those years of anonymity worthwhile.
May 2009 – jp1885 again!
Jon becomes the first person to win the award a second time, which just goes to show that there’s no accounting for taste. Winners of a second WoTM award are entitled to wear the much coveted Newsbiscuit T-shirt, as seen here modelled by Jon, who has become something of a pin-up within Newsbiscuit circles since his last win (with the emphasis on ‘something’) for a long as he can hold his stomach in.
The question now on everybody’s lips is whether Jon will continue his rise to glory and win a third WoTM, or will some other two-bit imitator steal a march on this comedy powerhouse. The race is now for the hat-trick and its ultimate prize, the chance to have the word ‘Newsbiscuit’ tattooed on the winner’s forehead.
April 2009 – roybland
Roy Bland has lived in West Cornwall since arriving there on the beatnik trail in the Sixties, so what you get is a view of events through a haze of this and that from the bottom left hand corner of the UK. A retired schoolteacher so, yes, he’s enjoying himself for the first time in years. Started writing for the site in January 2009, so he regards his rise to Writer of the Month – after just missing the accolade in March – as meteoric. Agrees with Kingsley Amis that, ‘If you can’t annoy somebody, there’s little point in writing’, but has to be careful not to alienate his teashop customers. He says he’s ‘delighted and touched’ to be receiving the coveted mug, but is unsure of the protocol for rejecting invitations (especially from Americans) to open fetes and the like.
March 2009 – jp1885
The mysterious jp1885 can finally be revealed as Jon Price. From his lair in the wilds of Herefordshire, Jon (pictured here with his lovely assistant) works on the ‘throw enough shit and some of it’ll stick’ principle, managing to get a handful of sketches on the radio as a result. Following this modest success he put away his pen in order to get married and father a child, before discovering the joys of Newsbiscuit (he was looking for the Joy of Sex but the library didn’t have it) Jon’s writing has been hailed as ‘hilarious’, ‘innovative’ and ‘what are you doing on my computer? Get out before I call security.’ He will continue to write articles and one-liners for your delectation – court order or no court order. Why jp1885? The jp bit is obvious, but the 1885… therein lies one of literature’s greatest mysteries… (Hint: he isn’t 124 years old)
February 2009 – Skylarking
He declares himself ‘most terribly, terribly touched’ to be receiving the mug; his first concrete reward for tireless years of displacement activity. He has developed something of a cult following over the last couple of years since leaving the Church of Scientology with the negatives in his bag.
January 2009 – Genghis Cohen
Genghis Cohen hasn’t received a more valuable porcelain honour since he beat hundreds of millions of rivals to be named World’s Best Dad last Father’s Day. Sadly that triumph proved no guarantor of domestic esteem, and the faded black eye he can be seen sporting in this photo is the result of a bitter dispute about the legality of flying knee-drops in living room wrestling. A born winner, the renowned military strategist waited until his four-year-old son retired to bed and nailed the bastard in his sleep. One way or another, respect.
December 2008 – StoopyDeGunt
Stoopy De Gunt is named after words a rival try out comic used to describe him as he was gonged off at London’s Comedy Store. He may die again, as his wife thinks the moniker is offensive. Stoopy De Gunt started writing for NewsBiscuit, oh ages ago, then took a long break after failing to understand IDs, passwords or the voting system. After a bleak, self esteem crushing career as a funeral warm up man – AKA a try out act at a comedy club – he enjoys the warmth and bonhomie of Newsbiscuit. If his writing ever does bring about world peace, he’d like to be a beauty contestant.
November 2008 – ianslat
ianslat (known in the real world as Ian Slatter) lives in North Somerset with his wife and two children. He wrote his first novel in his early twenties, but it wasn’t published as it was rubbish. Now in his early thirties, and due to a short concentration span he now prefers writing sketches and (believe it or not) spoof news stories. Some of both have been deemed worthy of use, and he’s been submitting stories to Newsbiscuit since 2007. Ian’s advice to anyone wanting to write is “don’t work in insurance”.
It won’t help you write, but it’s still excellent advice.
October 2008 – nealdoran
Neal started writing for NewsBiscuit in September 2007 and hasn’t looked back since, which is probably why he gets involved in so many road traffic accidents. In that time he’s managed a couple of dozen or so front page mentions, got a few jokes on BBC radio, and now hopes to do a bit more of that sort of thing.
Thrilled to be named ‘Miss October’, his likes include sunset walks on the beach and world peace, while his dislikes include negative people, war, and cellulite. Originally from London, Neal now lives in Dublin with his wife and toddling son.
Posted: Oct 30th, 2008 by NewsBiscuit
Click for more stories about: Stuff