NewsBiscuit Writer of the Month
The Writer of the Month is a new award introduced in October 2008 to honour excellence in the heating and ventilation industry, no hang on, ‘to acknowledge the talents and efforts of those writers who have made the best contribution to the site over the previous month’. Success on the front page is the main criterion, but other considerations are taken into account such as stories that nearly made it, supportive suggestions or comments regarding other people’s posts and a willingness to sleep with the judges.
The winner gets a NewsBiscuit mug and their name engraved on the large marble plaque in our plush West London headquarters.
February 2010 – Des Custard
Although a keen writer from an early age, Des was lured onto the wrong side of the tracks and is still trying to find his way back. Currently serving a stretch in Tunbridge Wells, Des is married to the lovely Mrs C and has two fine student sons and a tabby cat. His likes include Matt, opera, crosswords, Led Zeppelin, Young’s beer, HIGNFY, sausages, Radio 3, Douglas Adams and Arsenal FC. His favourite colour is blue and his favourite Beatle is Paul.
The mysterious Darkbill maintains the top spot for a second consecutive month. Speculation remains rife regarding the identity of the dark one. Even the upper echelons of the Newsbiscuit organisation are no closer to solving the riddle. Who are they? What are they? And how many members of the Chelsea team have they slept with?
We can only hope that if he/she/it pulls off the hatrick they will decide to reveal all, unless Matthew Wright inadvisably blurts out the name on Channel 5 before then.
So little is known about the mysterious ‘darkbill’ that many have speculated that he/she may be a member of the Newsbiscuit’s own inner cabal, or is the result of a secret military experiment to create a comedy writer impervious to criticism or payment. The truth is that the mystery is much closer to an enigma than that.
It was hoped that awarding the dark one, Writer of the Month, might coax her/him from the abandoned chemical works they have converted into a lair, by use of clever lighting and some throws, but to no avail. However, we do know that darkbill intends to use their mug to fuel their comedy creativity, and, weather permitting, fight crime.
Congratulations to Mary Evans who becomes the first writer to get the ultimate hattrick in internet comedy news parody writing. With seven front pages in one month, Mary also set another new record, and subsequently announced her retirement from consideration for this prestigious award.
It took until October 2008 and the award of the NewsBiscuit Writer of the Month title for Neal to add an achievement to his CV to surpass second place in the Little Prince contest which was the highlight of one sunny summer week at Pontin’s in the 1970s. Retaining the title, against even tougher competition than that faced in a holiday camp ballroom over three decades ago, is an honour that tops them both.
While managing to double the number of toddling sons in his house since originally being named Miss October, the struggle for world peace — and against cellulite — is sadly proving more challenging.
Oxbridge is Andrew Warmington, who was on Mastermind on 9th October. Andrew set up the Oxford Revue Workshop 20 years ago with Armando Iannucci, Richard Herring, Stewart Lee, Al Murray and others and has barely stopped talking about it since. Realising he was a bit poo by comparison with them, he went into writing about chemicals and bided his time until the right satirical news website came along. In between eating swans for breakfast and appearing on Mastermind on 9th October, he lives in the increasingly crowded cauldron of comedy that is Herefordshire with his wife and two children.
August 2009 – Mary Evans
Mary becomes the first person to win back to back titles since Alex Fergurson, following a penalty shoot out with Neal Doran. The race is now on for the first ever hattrick…
July 2009 – Mary Evans
Ever the creative type, Mary Evans contrived her ingenious nom de plume after unearthing an historic text in her loft, later discovered to be her own birth certificate. A journalist by trade, the fabrication of news stories comes quite naturally as Mary roams the wilds of Surrey, accompanied by the two incontinent pygmies with whom she shares her days and most of her nights. July was Mary’s first full month of writing for The Biscuit, a feat she intends to celebrate with a crippling case of writer’s block. She is honoured to be the first female recipient of the venerable NB mug, even when it was presented with a pat on the bottom and a winked request to ‘pop the kettle on love and make us all a cuppa’.
June 2009 – The Paper Ostrich
June was a bumper month for The Paper Ostrich – known to a select few as Paul Peros, a denizen of that earthly paradise called Hertfordshire – who has become the latest to be accorded NewsBiscuit’s – nay, Britain’s – highest honour. Blubbering like Halle Berry on Oscar night, he unintelligibly insists that his mug is “for every nameless, faceless, white middle-class male aspiring comedy writer that now has a chance because this door has been opened”. He is a latecomer to the world of writing for pleasure, having previously viewed it with the suspicion of the peasant. Now convinced that it is not the Devil’s work, he has pursued it here on NewsBiscuit with fervour since 2008, and this handsome reward makes all those years of anonymity worthwhile.
May 2009 – jp1885 again!
Jon becomes the first person to win the award a second time, which just goes to show that there’s no accounting for taste. Winners of a second WoTM award are entitled to wear the much coveted Newsbiscuit T-shirt, as seen here modelled by Jon, who has become something of a pin-up within Newsbiscuit circles since his last win (with the emphasis on ’something’) for a long as he can hold his stomach in.
The question now on everybody’s lips is whether Jon will continue his rise to glory and win a third WoTM, or will some other two-bit imitator steal a march on this comedy powerhouse. The race is now for the hat-trick and its ultimate prize, the chance to have the word ‘Newsbiscuit’ tattooed on the winner’s forehead.
April 2009 – roybland
Roy Bland has lived in West Cornwall since arriving there on the beatnik trail in the Sixties, so what you get is a view of events through a haze of this and that from the bottom left hand corner of the UK. A retired schoolteacher so, yes, he’s enjoying himself for the first time in years. Started writing for the site in January 2009, so he regards his rise to Writer of the Month – after just missing the accolade in March – as meteoric. Agrees with Kingsley Amis that, ‘If you can’t annoy somebody, there’s little point in writing’, but has to be careful not to alienate his teashop customers. He says he’s ‘delighted and touched’ to be receiving the coveted mug, but is unsure of the protocol for rejecting invitations (especially from Americans) to open fetes and the like.
March 2009 – jp1885
The mysterious jp1885 can finally be revealed as Jon Price. From his lair in the wilds of Herefordshire, Jon (pictured here with his lovely assistant) works on the ‘throw enough shit and some of it’ll stick’ principle, managing to get a handful of sketches on the radio as a result. Following this modest success he put away his pen in order to get married and father a child, before discovering the joys of Newsbiscuit (he was looking for the Joy of Sex but the library didn’t have it) Jon’s writing has been hailed as ‘hilarious’, ‘innovative’ and ‘what are you doing on my computer? Get out before I call security.’ He will continue to write articles and one-liners for your delectation – court order or no court order. Why jp1885? The jp bit is obvious, but the 1885… therein lies one of literature’s greatest mysteries… (Hint: he isn’t 124 years old)
February 2009 – Skylarking
Skylarking is a whimsical moniker for Ben Cohen, a humble freelance podcaster from Cyberspace, Middlesex. He currently lives with the aforementioned Moniker and two Jellycat tiger-toddlers.
He declares himself ‘most terribly, terribly touched’ to be receiving the mug; his first concrete reward for tireless years of displacement activity. He has developed something of a cult following over the last couple of years since leaving the Church of Scientology with the negatives in his bag.
January 2009 – Genghis Cohen
Genghis Cohen hasn’t received a more valuable porcelain honour since he beat hundreds of millions of rivals to be named World’s Best Dad last Father’s Day. Sadly that triumph proved no guarantor of domestic esteem, and the faded black eye he can be seen sporting in this photo is the result of a bitter dispute about the legality of flying knee-drops in living room wrestling. A born winner, the renowned military strategist waited until his four-year-old son retired to bed and nailed the bastard in his sleep. One way or another, respect.
December 2008 – StoopyDeGunt
Stoopy De Gunt is named after words a rival try out comic used to describe him as he was gonged off at London’s Comedy Store. He may die again, as his wife thinks the moniker is offensive. Stoopy De Gunt started writing for NewsBiscuit, oh ages ago, then took a long break after failing to understand IDs, passwords or the voting system. After a bleak, self esteem crushing career as a funeral warm up man – AKA a try out act at a comedy club – he enjoys the warmth and bonhomie of Newsbiscuit. If his writing ever does bring about world peace, he’d like to be a beauty contestant.
November 2008 – ianslat
ianslat (known in the real world as Ian Slatter) lives in North Somerset with his wife and two children. He wrote his first novel in his early twenties, but it wasn’t published as it was rubbish. Now in his early thirties, and due to a short concentration span he now prefers writing sketches and (believe it or not) spoof news stories. Some of both have been deemed worthy of use, and he’s been submitting stories to Newsbiscuit since 2007. Ian’s advice to anyone wanting to write is “don’t work in insurance”.
It won’t help you write, but it’s still excellent advice.
October 2008 – nealdoran
Neal started writing for NewsBiscuit in September 2007 and hasn’t looked back since, which is probably why he gets involved in so many road traffic accidents. In that time he’s managed a couple of dozen or so front page mentions, got a few jokes on BBC radio, and now hopes to do a bit more of that sort of thing.
Thrilled to be named ‘Miss October’, his likes include sunset walks on the beach and world peace, while his dislikes include negative people, war, and cellulite. Originally from London, Neal now lives in Dublin with his wife and toddling son.
Posted: Oct 30th, 2008 by NewsBiscuit
Click for more stories about: Stuff
