Diminutive bank robbers bemoan timing of masked hold-up on Halloween


A gang of dangerous but physically small armed robbers were left blaming each other as an ambitious bank raid, intended to secure £20m from a City of London bank, went awry on Halloween as the criminals, wearing ‘Scream’ fright masks and George W Bush disguises, failed to find anyone in the financial institution that would take them seriously.

After months of meticulous planning, two members of the East End gang burst into the Chancery Lane HSBC brandishing sawn-off shotguns, shouting ‘Open the safe or we’ll blow your heads off!’ However, the bank robbers did not get the reaction they had expected; instead of staff handing over stacks of unused notes amid scenes of hysterical panic, queuing office workers gave them a patronizing chuckle, while the cashier told them ‘to wait while she got them some sweeties’.

‘I blame the boss Thommo,’ said ‘Wheels’ Wilson the getaway driver, ‘sending in ‘Alf Pint ‘Arris and Mitch the Titch to do the business with the shooters was a schoolboy error. They have trouble seeing over the counter at the best of times and watching that old dear on the CCTV rustle their hair and give ’em a fluffy old Werther’s Original while they tried to take hostages…We’ll never live it down.’

However Mitch the Titch blamed the robbery’s failure on getaway man Wilson who provided the robbers’ latex masks. ‘How was I supposed to be taken seriously disguised as Casper the friendly ghost or a bloody smiley dracula?’ asked the diminutive ex-con as he counted out the proceeds of the hold-up, I’m not going to get my English pub on the Costa del Sol on a load of fun-size Mars bars, that’s for sure.’

Although the failure to be taken seriously did enable the hoods to make a clean escape, the police are now looking for anyone trying to launder large amounts of chocolate Celebrations or Cadbury’s Heroes.

The gang members’ reputations in the criminal underworld are now said to be ‘totally screwed’, principally for their naïve belief that any bank in the UK would have ‘anything like twenty million going spare these days’.

nealdoran (with thanks to ugi)

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Posted: Oct 31st, 2008 by

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