Colleagues of Nigel Stokes, an advertising sales executive from Epping, claimed to have identified a way of determining how long it has been since the 31-year-old last had sex, based on his regular jokes and observations about women. His latest remarks make it clear ‘he hasn’t had any for quite some time’ they say.
Stokes’ workmates picked up on the conversational trend several months ago, not long after his split from his partner of three years, and proceeded to monitor his progress in an Excel spreadsheet. When in a relationship Stokes would often comically observe that women tend to have more pairs of shoes than men, or spend more on haircare products, but this was usually accompanied by a deprecating reference to his emerging male pattern baldness. After the break-up however, the comments were seen to become increasingly vindictive and bitter.
Stage one was making jokes about celebrities in magazines. ‘He made a joke about a photo in the paper of Paris Hilton “wearing a belt not a skirt”‘ explained his colleague, Sarah Whitcombe, ‘I walked past him ten minutes later and he was still staring at the picture, rather angrily I thought’.
Stokes quickly progressed through stage two, which his colleagues called ‘homosexual envy’ and featured his pondering ‘how lesbians ever get any work done’ while fondling a pair of his own imaginary breasts, to stage three; musings on whether ‘them Muslim extremists’ might not have a point on gender relations – before stabilising for some time at stage four, inexplicable rage at the mention of Harriet Harman.
There was a surprising reversal back to stage one last summer, which happened to coincide with Stokes’ return from a stag do in Amsterdam, but he soon resumed his journey through the stages until he reached stage five, where he would, at any opportunity, explain precisely the consequences of his ever meeting any of the female leads in the Sex and the City movie.
It was at this point that a new member of staff made an official complaint, which is being addressed by Stokes’ line manager Phil Rafter. ‘As a company we pride ourselves on our compassionate response to people’s personal difficulties, as I learnt myself when I went through a messy divorce recently, and we need to look at why Nigel is behaving like this,’ explained Rafter. ‘Maybe I should ask my PA to give him a quick seeing to in the photocopier room. I bet she would just LOVE it too.’
nealdoran and tomorrow