Just hours after Americans elected their first ever black President, Barack Obama has dropped a political bombshell by announcing that he is in fact French. The revelation has sent shock-waves through Washington, with Republicans furious with themselves for having failed to spot the one major flaw in their opponent’s apparently impenetrable political armour.
‘I can’t believe we missed it’ wailed a distraught John McCain. ‘This would have won it for us for sure.’ Despite constant attention being focused by Republicans on his father’s allegedly Islamic roots, on the fact that his surname sounded like ‘Osama’ and his middle name was ‘Hussein’, no-one had picked up on the fact that ‘Barac’ is a popular French name, and a clue to the fact that Obama was actually born in Marseilles, and smells strongly of garlic.
‘We actually had this photo of him wearing a stripy jumper and a beret, with a string of onions around his neck,’ admitted a McCain campaigner. ‘But we put all our efforts in trying to identify the guy next to him in case he was a terrorist.’
The effects of the revelation are expected to be widespread, with the new president already announcing that cheeseburgers are only to contain high quality French cheeses such as Brie or Camembert and the Surgeon General recommending that pregnant women drink a couple of glasses of red wine every day.
The Washington monument has been replaced by a replica of the Eiffel Tower and Hollywood is to stop making action thrillers and rom-coms, switching to slower placed, more thoughtful French language films about the internal anguish of a bereaved poet with writer’s block. Baseball, NFL football and ice hockey will also make way for cycling, rugby and boules. Political reporters demanding to know when these changes might be put into effect were not able to find anyone to answer their questions, as all of Washington was closed for lunch between 12 and 2.30.
American voters have reacted badly to the news. ‘I thought a black president would be the end of the world’ said one Alabama resident, ‘but French! That’s even worse!’ ‘Eurgh – just taste this French style bacon – they have forgotten to flavour it with cinnamon and vanilla!’ Thousands of US residents have been spotted making their way towards the border, where the Mexicans have had to increase their patrols. The Republicans have already started campaigning for the 2012 election with the slogan ‘Obama – Non!’
5th November 2008