A low, continual thud could still be heard around Cambridge University’s Departments of Mathematics today as eminent intellectuals continued to bang their heads against college walls, reeling from the powerful, seemingly unanswerable argument put forward by a young undergraduate. Earlier that week, first year Cultural Studies student, Thomas Brown, had stunned college professors by entering into a debate with Stephen Hawking, who is Lucasian Professor of Mathematics, forcing a rebuff on the existence of worm holes and the origins of the universe.
Hawking was at first happy to explain his theory but became agitated by Mr Brown, who repeatedly responded with a sarcastic, ‘Yeah, in YOUR opinion’. The world’s leading thinkers are reportedly stunned by this new intellectual development, and believe that they may have been witness to a whole new branch of philosophy.
Rising to the challenge Hawking offered a combination of the theory of general relativity with quantum theory, explaining ‘one can get rid of the problem of time having a beginning in a similar way to that which disposed of the edge of the world. Suppose the beginning of the universe was like the South Pole of the earth, with degrees of latitude playing the role of time. The universe would start as a point at the South Pole. As one moves north, the circles of constant latitude, representing the size of the universe, would expand. To ask what happened before the beginning of the universe would become a meaningless question because there is nothing south of the South Pole.’ To which Brown asserted ‘Yeah, but that’s like just you imposing your cultural views and values on me. It is just YOUR opinion’.
At this point one eye witness reported that Hawking threw his keyboard at Brown and flung himself out of his chair. ‘It was quite shocking’, said Lise Johnson, a 3rd year Mathematics undergraduate; ‘it was as if Hawking was admitting that he was just not as smart as Brown.’
Thomas Brown has since used his revolutionary style of argument to defeat numerous intellectuals in varied fields, including Noam Chomsky, Umberto Eco, Richard Dawkins and The Archbishop of Canterbury. The four were gathered for a special edition of the Moral Maze, in which Brown contradicted all of their points with a loud ‘in YOUR opinion’, after which the recording suddenly goes dead. Brown was later seen at his local casualty unit, suffering from multiple bruises and a cut above the eye.