Bestselling author God has reacted with fury on learning that his book, The Holy Bible, is being made available for free in hotel rooms around the world. He made the discovery on a European book tour to promote The Bible: The New International Version – the latest volume in the long-running franchise that has captivated generations of readers and spawned a string of Charlton Heston movies.
God first found a copy of his one-hit wonder in the bedside drawer of the Erasme Hotel in Brussels, and initially was amused that He had checked in to the room after one of his fans. It was only when the same thing happened at the Hotel Mozaic in The Hague that God looked at The Bible more closely and realised that it wasn’t a version published by Him, and that He was getting no royalties from it. ‘I haven’t been this annoyed since everyone started banging on about the King James version and how they thought that the rewrite was better than the original,’ said God. ‘And now I discover that some character going by the name of Gideon is just giving away his version in hotels? I mean, what the fuck?’
God now plans to take legal action against unauthorised versions and ‘smite’ those who are found responsible. ‘They will face prosecution, court orders to pulp any versions breaching copyright law, and their lands shall be ravaged by locusts and famine for seven years.’
God’s book tour has already run in to difficulties when fans of The Bible started quizzing God at Q&A sessions about the meaning of certain parts and what they perceived to be inconsistencies in the plot. God has refused to directly answer the questions, telling fans ’it stands as written, I don’t think it needs further explanation’.
12 November 2008