Forty-two year old John Coleman described his jubilation last night after a member of staff at the Virgin Active gym that he has been attending for the last six years said hello to him. ‘This is the happiest day of my life,’ said Coleman punching the air. ‘When I first came in to sign up for my membership, the lady I saw was very friendly and answered all my questions. But the next time I saw her I smiled at her and she looked straight through me. Every time I went in there after that, every employee I passed avoided eye contact’. The slightly balding Mr Coleman became convinced that he must have broken some mysterious rule of etiquette but could think of no deed he might have committed that would lead to his social exclusion.
Mr Coleman started to keep a journal on the behaviour and movements of the staff in order to try and piece together some sort of explanation. ‘I noted that they spent a large amount of time preening and posing in front of the mirrored walls. When approached by other members of the public they spoke in uninterested robotic tones, keeping communication down to a minimum except when talking to females in tight outfits. In an act of desperation I bought a pair of cycling shorts and spent a lot of time limbering up near the reception desk and doing lunges but still nothing.’
After six years Coleman finally accepted that he would never speak to another of the staff. Until the amazing moment yesterday; ‘I feel like a new man’ admitted John, ‘You don’t know how good it makes you feel to have your existence acknowledged by a narcissist. I know he only said hello, but he’s opened a dialogue that we can start to build on. Perhaps in time I could ask him what hair wax he uses. That’s the stuff dreams are made of.’
Twenty year old fitness instructor Simon Mayhew was asked how it felt to have had such a deep effect on Mr Coleman replied ‘Oh yeah, I remember that guy. Actually I was speaking to Tracey, the hot new receptionist who was standing right behind him. Anyway he seemed so happy I just went along with it.
Simply The Pest