NewsBiscuit

Alistair Darling has unveiled a radical new package to boost investor confidence in which all the men working in senior positions in the stock market will be provided with beautiful women who pretend to really fancy them.

‘Confidence amongst City Bankers is at an all time low’ explained the Chancellor. ‘But our research shows that when attractive young blondes laugh at their jokes and tell them how clever they are, traders begin to feel better and share prices rise.’

Large numbers of Eastern European models were flown into City Airport over the weekend and began flirting with bankers as they arrived into the Square Mile this morning. ‘I was just grabbing an espresso in Starbucks and this beautiful Estonian brunette came up to me and asking if I was a male model,’ said one forty-two year old fund manager. ‘Then I got the wrong lid for my coffee and she laughed and said how funny I was. I got into the office and did the best morning’s work I’ve done for ages.’

Female traders too have had tall dark strangers leaving them flowers at their desk; while the handful of out gay investors have been found partners on specialist websites. ‘The whole bizarre idea has been a logistical nightmare said an anonymous Treasury insider. ‘But this is all Alistair’s idea. He was at home looking at Russian women on the Internet when his wife came in and what he was doing. And after mumbling for a minute of two, he explained about this ‘Blondes for Bankers’ scheme and so now it’s happening…’

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Posted: Nov 24th, 2008 by NewsBiscuit