A moderate terrorist group contacted several national newspapers yesterday and claimed responsibility for the recent inconvenience when you were unable to locate your house keys. The shady underground terror cell known as ‘The Irritated Brigade’ are thought to have be an off-shoot from ‘The Red Anger Faction’ who broke away in the 1970s after a bitter dispute amongst the high command over paramilitary tactics and the choice of biscuits for meetings.
In a coded message intercepted by the Petty Crime Squad they admitted that they had been hiding people’s keys on a regular basis for years and would continue to do so until their demands were met. They were however still undecided as to what their demands were, and apologized profusely that it had taken them so long to make the admission. Other outrages attributed to the ‘slightly annoying terrorists’ was the temporary loss of the TV remote control down between the sofa cushions and the arrangement of cars outside your house so that the gap was just too small to park in. But the admission of responsibility of widespread key loss represents an alarming escalation that may result in increased pressure for people to make sure they have their spares handy.
Anti-terrorism expert Andy Anderson said ‘This new development is typical of ‘The Irritated Brigade’. In the last few years they have claimed responsibility and then apologized for traffic jams, your neighbour’s burglar alarm and Mylene Klass. They also give regular coded warnings every morning that The Jeremy Kyle Show is about to start, which they also claim is their doing. On none of those occasions however have they conveyed any kind of threat or demand’.
Home Secretary Jacqui Smith MP denied that this mysterious new terror threat had been invented by her department to justify the introduction of Identity Cards. She then went to produce her own specimen ID card but was unable to find it, exclaiming ‘There you see, they’ve struck again!’