A woman from Cheshire has shocked friends and relations by sending out a brutally honest round-robin with her Christmas cards, recounting the dismal and deeply unimpressive year endured by her family.
Usually Lucinda Poole’s annual newsletter contains impressive news of exotic family holidays, job promotions and details of how well her children are doing at school, and Poole admits that like a lot of parents she usually uses to the opportunity to have a good show-off about her family’s incredibly successful lives.
‘But frankly there was no hiding that this year has been a complete stinker,’ she admitted. ‘And I thought I might as well come clean.’ The newsletter begins ‘2008 has not been a fantastic year for the Poole family. Emily failed her cello exam after breaking the instrument by sitting on it. Frankly the best noise she ever got out of that bloody thing was when she crushed it with her fat arse. Rufus didn’t get chosen for any of the house sports teams although is developing other hobbies and now has a great enthusiasm for internet pornography and masturbation.’
The round robin goes on to recount how their annual holiday to the Maldives was a disaster when the whole family caught a vomiting bug and spent a couple of days in hospital trying to stay awake to stop the doctors injecting them with dirty needles. ‘On our return we discovered that Henry had been overlooked for promotion at work when the job was given to someone who is nearly half his age who doesn’t have halitosis and a drinking problem.’
‘It was enough to knock him off the wagon,’ recalls Lucinda, ‘but at least my rule about no drinking spirits in the house before breakfast got him out and about and talking to some very interesting new friends on the benches opposite the off licence.’
The Poole family newslettter then goes on to describe how Lucinda had been more than happy to feed her neighbours’ goldfish while they were away, and had very much enjoyed going through all their things, reading their private correspondence and emails. ‘But imagine my surprise when I discovered that my husband was having an affair with the woman next door! They had even filmed themselves having sex, which I have now posted on the internet. I notice it has particularly low scores on the ‘oldies/plump’ section of various amateur porn websites. I hope this news doesn’t come as too much of a shock to them, but Happy Christmas anyway!!’