NewsBiscuit

Alf Chadwick of Carshalton emerged supreme at the British Leaf-Blowing Championships in Hyde Park on Sunday morning, winning the blue ribband 50 metre petrol event in record time, shattering the 60 minute barrier. Alf blew and reassembled a large pile of mixed wet leaves 50 metres away, winning especial praise for the truly obsessive way he chased the last leaf for three minutes before finally completing the pile. Alf’s son Brian was runner up in the 25 metre battery event, completing a memorable day for the family.

Politicians were strongly represented. The Green party finished the pairs event by the largest margin on record, only to be disqualified for using a rake and broom and ‘making a mockery of the whole process’. Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling entered in disguise, but gave themselves away after redistributing everyone’s leaves to everyone else before giving everyone back half of what they started with.

In the artistic interpretation event a team of philosophers from Goldsmiths College blew a pile of leaves from one end of the course to the other to illustrate the sheer pointlessness of human endeavour but achieved the lowest score of the day for doing exactly the same as the regular competitors.

The patio event was the most closely fought, with Hussein Ahmed of Dewsbury emerging victorious after getting the largest number of leaves into the most awkward positions in the allotted 15 minutes. He put his victory down to hours of early morning training, and said it was well worth the ASBO and the death threats from the neighbours.

After the contestants had left, park attendants spent two hours blowing all the leaves back to the start before looking at the sky and deciding to take a tea break. The squally shower that followed scattered the leaves all over the park again, guaranteeing sufficient work to keep the attendants busy all week.

Des Custard

Posted: Dec 6th, 2008 by Des Custard