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Jonathan Peters, an 18-year-old student returning home for Christmas after his first term at Sussex University, was said to have ‘failed spectacularly’ to let his old school friends know, in a mature and urbane manner, that he was having sex with his girlfriend.

Meeting up with classmates from his old all-boys Catholic school at a pub in Ongar, Peters had started well, discussing calmly and wittily the price of beer, and the state of his accommodation, before the topic of arthouse cinema enabled him to casually drop in that he’d seen Italian classic The Bicycle Thief with Vicki, ‘this girl I’ve been seeing a bit of’. However as the conversation was moving on to consider the message of De Sica’s allegorical masterpiece, Peters couldn’t resist adding, ‘well pretty much all of her actually!’ and giggling.

As the evening drew on Peters, who had little success with girls during his schooldays, also bemoaned the prevalence of 9am lectures, which he often missed due to sleeping in through a tiredness attributed to two people sleeping in a narrow single bed and ‘you know, constantly being at it!’. The claim was, according to observers, accompanied by his ‘going into some kind of grinning and grimacing spasm’. After a brief pause, the subject of sex led to a discussion among the students on the availability of sexual health advice at university, and how refreshing it was to be able to get unbiased information on the subject when compared to their religious school, although Peters described himself as unconcerned by the issue as since he’d been away he had been entirely monogamous, ‘eighty-four times!’.

Towards closing-time the arrival of John Campbell, a popular young teacher at the school who is due to marry, prompted the conversation to turn to the seriousness of settling down. For the first time that night Peters discussed the topic at hand with sensitivity and consideration, reassuring the 34-year-old Head of Maths and the rest of the group that ‘when you meet ‘The One’, you just know…’ to nods of agreement all round.

At home near Lincoln meanwhile, Peters’ girlfriend Vicki Manning managed to be more discreet about their sexual relationship, and to date hasn’t even mentioned him to any of her friends, or to her old hometown boyfriend, with whom she has decided to ‘give it another go’.

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Posted: Dec 10th, 2008 by nealdoran